Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get.  I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

 

January 27, 2001 Emails

 

 

This video clip from Comedy Central's Man Show sent to SAG by David Bollig.

 

Picture sent to SAG by Nick Rahman

 

The Minnesota Vikings 2001 schedule and changes:  (Sent to SAG by Tom and Velerie Kern)

September 15.............Shiloh Junior High School
September 22.............Cub Scout Troop #101
September 29.............St Paul Blind Academy
October 6...................Spanish American War Vets
October 13...................Crippled Children's Home
October 20...................Elgin Mental Hospital
October 27...................Girl Scout Troop #353
November 3................OH Venereal Disease Clinic
November 10...............Lakewood Boys Choir
November 17...............Korean Amputees Special Monday Night Game
December 9................Brecksville Girls Club

**Rule Changes From Last Year**

When playing polio patients, the Vikings must not disconnect knee braces.

When playing the Blind Academy, they must not hide the football under their
jerseys.

**Rules The Same From Last Year**

A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Viking fans that have never seen this) is still worth 6 points.  The Vikings will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.  The Vikings will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time.  The Vikings will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.  The Vikings will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more
**Name Change**

The Minnesota Vikings will be changed to the "Minnesota Tampons" as they
 are only good for one period and have no second string.

**Coaching Changes**

Green will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!!

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January 18, 2001 Emails

Things You Learn from the Movies  (Sent to me by Kari Seas)

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly
bluish.

 7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

 8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

 9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the
man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

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Subject: Vikings Football Stuff For Sale:  (Sent to me by David Bollig)

 Dear Football Fan:

With the end of the 2000 pro football season here in Minnesota, we are
excited to offer the following items in our annual end-of-the-season
closeout sale. Order fast, these items are sure to move!

* 40 pairs of testicles (most are shriveled or not fully developed)
* 40 hearts (like new, many not even used)
* 40 spines (still in the box)
* Two outside linebackers (D. Rudd, E McDaniel ... make offer; 20% discount if both ordered)
* One former All-Pro defensive lineman (J. Randle ... no decent offer refused ... can play tackle or end with equal inefficiency; terrifying face paint included)
* Entire defensive secondary kit ... this all-in-one solution is perfect for college teams finishing in the middle of the BCS standings who want a quick upgrade; pro teams who want a complete defensive secondary taxi squad; or XFL teams looking for slow, confused d-backs to get burned (resulting in high-scoring games, thereby boosting their TV ratings)
* One baseball cap with Christian cross logo (didn't work) ...actually worn by future hall-of-famer Cris Carter
* Genuine autographed Denny Green game plan ... great novelty item, always good for some laughs; note: some pages have authentic food stains

 SPECIAL OFFER!
 Free with each order, your choice of the following:

* David Palmer or Troy Walters bobble-head dolls (actual size) ...these
   cute little guys make great gifts or dashboard mementos of an actual NFL season
* Wassa Serwanga jersey ... slightly torched despite all-asbestos material
* Robert Tate poster ... showing #28 in his classic "hands-on-hips because I just gave up six" pose
* Todd Steussie autographed penalty flag ... with all 47 of his holding and illegal motion penalties this year listed on both sides
* Randy Moss mouth guard ... size extra large; not guaranteed to prevent gagging
* Tube of Mitch Berger groin pull ointment
* Classic Cris Carter "first down" pose statuette ... like new (not used since January 7)
* Robert Smith knee cartilage chips
* Miniature Armen Terzian whiskey bottle ... a replica of the bottle tossed from the stands that brained back judge Armen Terzian during the classic Vikings-Cowboys playoff game in the 1970s, after Terzian failed to call Drew Pearson for offensive pass intereference against Nate Wright ... a must-have for any true Vikings fan

To order, call Winter Park, headquarters of the Vikings in Eden Prairie.  

Red McCombs is standing by to take your order now!

Thank you. Look for more great items next year.
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