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Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
March 17, 2001 Emails
Shortarmguy's Handicapped Parking Space!
25
things I have learned in 50 years (by Dave Barry)
1.
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in
it.
2.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why
we observe daylight-saving time.
3.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor
are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
moment.
6.
A penny saved is worthless.
7.
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in
the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the
Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
except
a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be
bitter enemies.
8.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe
that we are above-average drivers.
10.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big
deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
12.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to
share yours with them.
13.
There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates
concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they
turn on this computer; after sorting through
millions
of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn
this
concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out,
"SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN
APARTMENT."
Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE
LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer
and
destroy it with hammers.
14.
Nobody is normal.
15.
At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and
announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
*
There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
*
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
17.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who
are not in them.
18.
The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the
advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
*
If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical
importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has
virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
21.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual
is crazy.
24.
Your friends love you anyway.
25.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Damn, that was close!
March 10, 2001 Emails
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his
congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the
Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is
described somewhere in the Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS." The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked,
"Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?" The preacher
smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "...and Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Bethlehem."
March 3, 2001 Emails
Bumper Sticker Seen in Palm Beach...
HONK IF YOU VOTED FOR GORE...IT'S THE BIG BUTTON IN THE
MIDDLE OF YOUR STEERING WHEEL
This will warm your heart...just when you lose faith in
human kindness:
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety
Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it
to all those who could use a lift.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed
away. I am alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God
bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but
before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she
was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and
broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Life is good.
Sincerely,
Edna
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