Shortarmguy's Diary 

Crippled Is A State Of Mind

December 31, 2006

It was chaos time at the Shortarmguy Household as both of my sisters brought their families up from Texas to spend the week at our house to celebrate Christmas.  We had a whole bunch of fun together along with the usual drama that goes along with trying to mix this family together under one roof for multiple nights.   We've been instructed by the authorities that the next time we want to schedule a family gathering it will have to be sanctioned by the Minnesota Boxing Commission.    And we might televise it on a Pay Per View basis.

Santa Claus was a pretty good guy to Luke and Avery this year.  He brought Luke a Much Wanted stuffed frog and a big, blue stuffed snake for Avery.  We weren't sure why Avery wanted the snake until he started posing for pictures.  Guess we're lucky Santa didn't bring him a giant stuffed great white shark instead.

The Kelley family arrived the night before the Mohar family establishing themselves with the good beds in the house as well as enjoying some extra special "Grandma Time".   Baby Lindsay was sad to discover that she's now the only sister who's officially shorter than the shrinking Grandma Linda.   Bailey and Mallory both now tower over her, but luckily don't push her around too much.  Just enough to keep her in line.

After Tracy arrived, she insisted that everyone else in the house remain silent until she had a chance to speak as much as the rest of us had in the previous 24 hours.  We also were finally allowed to eat Christmas cookies and smile at each other openly which she had banned us from doing until her family came to town. 

For some reason, Uncle Dave Mohar insisted on dressing identically to Shortarmguy for the first few days of the trip until we were finally able to break him of the habit.  Later we discovered him in my closet rummaging through my laundry basket.  When we asked what he was doing he said he wanted to see what it was like to "wear my actual underwear".  We just let that one slide.   

The kids had a marvelous time playing pool.   We had to explain to them several times that the game's rules don't allow for them to actually swing their sticks at one another, but that didn't dampen their enthusiasm for the competition.  

The weather never did cooperate, so we didn't get in as many winter activities as we would have liked.  Although we saw quite a few people walking on the ice, I'm still really paranoid to let the kids wander out too far after several days of 40+ degree weather.   But I didn't want to seem mean or anything, so I let the kids use their best judgment and we walked out much farther than I typically let my boys.  I figured I was with my two brothers in law, so what could go wrong?  I mean after all, who should know better about the safety of thin ice than a couple of guys from Texas?

Of course, we weren't disappointed by lack of drama.  Nobody fell through or anything, but shortly after this photo was taken, Luke took a really nasty slip on the ice.  Luckily, his teeth broke his fall.  He looked up at me with blood pouring out of his mouth and that pretty much ended our ice adventures for the day.   Thankfully he didn't sustain any major injuries.   Just a couple of cut lips and some pointed anger at his father for not preventing the accident. 

On Wednesday, we did the tubing thing at Buck Hill.  The snow was a little bit slow because of the warm weather and the lines were long, but we still had a blast.  We pelted each other with snowballs while we waited for our turn, which seemed to make everyone happy.  Except for the innocent bystanders who took some snow in the face from some misplaced shots.  Darn kids. 

This is my brother in law Dave.  And my other brother in law Dave.   Whenever we go anywhere together I feel like Larry from the old "Newhart" TV Show.    

Shortarmguy's Diary Archive

December 24, 2006

It was a reunion of sorts this week as Sean and I hooked up with our old buddy, The Dude!  Many of you will recall the Dude as the former co-host of the now defunct Shortarmguy and The Dude Podcast.  He left Nor-tech a few months ago to pursue a career with a different company and things just haven't been the same without him!  We met on Wednesday night for a few drinks and a movie as well as to share some anger on a variety of topics. 

For some reason, Shortarmguy was left out of the conversation as The Dude enthralled Sean for about 20 minutes with a rather detailed description of his own bare feet.  Sean didn't say much during the discussion, but the look on his face shows that he was deep in thought pondering the implications of his story.

We went to see the new movie, Rocky Balboa!  Although expectations were set pretty low, the film turned out to be quite the pleasant surprise!  I can honestly say it's the best Rocky Sequel since the first one and really brings back the look and feel of the original.  And the Fight Scene is awesome!  But the best part is when Rocky gives a pep talk to his son regarding taking on the world and making an impact in life.  It was simply awe inspiring and reignited my desire to become a professional boxer. 

Luke and Avery had an awesome week at school celebrating "Holiday Time".  They went to see the play "The Grinch who stole Holiday" and made these fantastic looking gingerbread houses.  School is done for a couple weeks now and the boys are just bursting at the seams with anticipation of their cousins arrival later today.  Their Texas cousins are coming to stay with us, so I'm sure we'll have some crazy stories for next week's site update.   Unlike this week's update which was filled with very little excitement.

To try to generate some excitement, we let the boys see how far they could go on the ice before the cracking sounds scared them back.  We'd had all sorts of grand plans for winter festivities over Christmas break, but the unseasonably warm Minnesota weather has thrown a wrench into things.  No snowballs or snowmen or skiing or snowmobiling.  Just wet, sloppy, frozen rain and a partially frozen lake.  Al Gore, please bring back the Winter Wonderland Weather!!

Another fun activity is to throw a stick on the ice and watch Sunny slip and slide all over trying to get it.  The silly dog just never learns how to navigate on the slippery surface and goes "Balls To The Wall" with each attempt to get that blessed piece of wood.   And he tastes a lot of ice on the way.

December 17, 2006

When a truck rolls over in the company parking lot before you get to work on Monday morning it pushes Karma in a weird direction and you just know it's going to be a different sort of week.  The lady who was driving was all right, but a little shaken up after the incident.

Known Shortarmguy Stalker Steve "Cuds" Cuddihy was the one who snapped these photos.  They say the driver lost control on the icy road, but I'm pretty sure Steve was involved in some fashion.  That boy is just pure evil.

I regularly feature pictures of my close friend and college roommate, Jason Hornbuckle.  Well, an anonymous tipster sent me this old photo of him with a gentleman and they're apparently engaged in a shady transaction.  I haven't quite figured out what's going on but my guess is it's some bizarre ritual that used to occur between members of the Flock of Seagulls Fan Club.   If anyone can shed further light on what might be happening here, please send me an email.

On Tuesday night, we celebrated Grandma Linda's 82nd birthday at Buca di Beppo in Burnsville.  All right, she might not be quite that old yet, but I know she's getting up there.  Buca is a really fun restaurant with a very unique Decor.  I was especially impressed with their tribute room to the Pope shown above....although I'm not sure how comfortable I would feel engorging on fine Italian food while staring at the pope's head in a glass box.  Maybe that's just me.

Grandma Linda was quite giddy about her birthday and kept showing off to the waiter by swallowing her own tongue and then asking him to pull it back out with his serving spoon.   I don't think he enjoyed it nearly as much as she did.

Christmas preparations continued with Sunny getting cleaned up so he's nice and fluffy for our family coming to visit for the holidays.  He's actually good in the bath tub, but I'm guessing he secretly hates it.

One of the bummers of Luke's heart condition is that he has to have his blood checked on a regular basis to make sure the blood thinner medication he takes is set at the right levels.  Usually mom's the lucky one to take him, but both boys had a checkup with Dr. Singh on Friday so I went along as well.  I was impressed with how brave Luke was during this procedure.  Of course, he did scream at the technician for a few seconds after the needle appeared, but it didn't last long.  He used to scream at them from the moment we stepped off the elevator on the lab floor, so progress is definitely being made!  

 Both boys had their check-up with Dr. Singh and he seems to think things are going great for us!  Although there's talk that some day Luke will need to have a Pacemaker installed, he said he's still growing good so we'll just take it year by year.  Luke had lots of questions about that, so we told him if this happens he could then consider himself part robot.  That made him excited and he wanted to know if he could also have lasers installed in his hands to shoot things.  We said sure.  Avery's heart is doing very well and Dr. Singh doesn't anticipate any further procedures for him for at least another 20-30 years.  It's kind of neat that our cardiology checkups have been landing this time of year, because it really reminds us what we have to be thankful for over the holidays.  We've been very blessed to have Dr. Singh care for our boys since before they were born. 

December 10, 2006

We had a very lame week at the Shortarmguy household.  It was a struggle to come up with photos for the website!  Lucky the weather warmed up this weekend so we were at least able to get outside.  We saw temperatures below zero earlier in the week and than we hit the fifties on Saturday!  Luke and Avery took advantage of the warmer weather by riding their scooters across the frozen grass in our backyard.  Someone call Al Gore, because the weather is just all screwed up!  Maybe he can do something about it. 

The Sub-Zero temps caused Prior Lake to finally freeze over this week.  The fisherman already had some ice shacks on the lake by Friday.  I find these guys pretty crazy to go and sit in a shack on a lake that just froze over when it's 49 degrees outside!  I guess that's why we read about people going through the ice every year. I like to sneak outside their little houses and make cracking noises just to make sure they're at least thinking about the danger.

On Saturday night, I snuck out of the house with the Hornbuckles to go make a donation to the local Indian Tribe.  It's the Season of Giving so we just like to do our part.  They were going to go out and party afterwards, but we didn't have a babysitter so we had to stay home.  It's probably for the best, because these two can be trouble.  

We're hosting Christmas at our house this year and Miss Sheri has the house all decorated.  Her centerpiece contains a bunch of these North Pole houses.  Sometimes I just sit and stare at this cute little village for hours.  I imagine that I'm an elf and I'm cruising through town trying to find some action.  Then I realize there's no bar, no casino, and no visible wild looking elf women.  So then I get sad.  I understand why some people say that Christmas can be the most depressing time of year.  

Sunny loves Santa.  Not really, but like I said earlier....I was short of pictures for this week's update!

We didn't do much of anything this weekend because we had to stay home and write our Christmas Letter which can be read here.

2006 Swank Family Christmas Letter

We hope everyone is having a fantastic holiday season!!

December 3, 2006

It was a weekend filled with Christmas Festivities in Shortarmguy Land!  It started on Friday night when Miss Sheri and Grandma Linda went to Grandma's Christmas Party for her work.  They said the food was good, the conversations were pleasant, and they had a fantastic time.   I kept waiting for them to tell me how much they missed me since I wasn't there, but they just must have forgot to tell me.

So while the ladies were out partying, the boys and I headed to Downtown Dazzle for a Christmas Festival, Parade, and Fireworks.  This picture was taken shortly before the meltdowns occurred.  I wanted to make sure we had good seats for the parade, so we showed up 30 minutes early.  It was only 18 degrees outside.   The boys screamed at me for most of that half hour about how dang cold they were and how come I didn't care enough about them to do something about it.  I told them we were just going to have to sit there and freeze while waiting for what turned out to be an incredibly lame Christmas parade.  We didn't stick around for the Fireworks.

The night was just destined to go badly for me.  The first thing we saw were these pony rides and there was hardly anyone in line.  I thought the boys would be all over it, but they both told me "No, we don't want to do that!"  I said "You're crazy, you don't want to do Pony Rides?"   I finally talked Luke into it and as you can see from this photo, I think he'll forever treasure the memory of this thrilling experience!

Saturday morning was Breakfast with Santa at the Prior Lake VFW.  Not only did we get to spend a little time with the big man, we also had the opportunity to eat some of the best bologna sausages I've ever had in my life!  I sure do like Bologna!

We had a blast on Saturday night at the Nor-tech Christmas Party!!  Naturally, I don't have a lot of memories of the evening, but judging from all the pictures we took it looks like we had a good time.     

For some reason, whenever Dr. Bollig and his wife, Cynthia, have their photo taken together, they insist that Nick Rahman stand in the background with them.  Seems kind of odd to me, but I guess when you're the boss you have the right to be a little eccentric!   

This is Dom Daninger.  He's one of Nor-tech's resident geniuses.  CRN's Custom Systems Magazine recently wrote this article about one of the Super Computers he developed for the University of Minnesota.   Dom is one of those deep thinkers with a lot of knowledge on a wide variety of topics.  Honestly, I don't have a clue as to what the hell he's talking about most of the time, so I just smile and nod a lot.  That seems to make him happy! 

This is Mark Babich.  He's another one of Nor-tech's geniuses.   He told me I should buy Northwest Airlines stock (NWACQ.PK) a few weeks ago while it was selling for 70 cents a share.  Of course, I didn't listen to him.  Now he likes to walk by my office and giggle like a schoolgirl while reminding me that the price has risen to over $3.00 in just a couple of weeks!  I think Mark enjoys seeing me suffer because he still has anger issues with me.  He still thinks he beat me in this Beer Slugging Contest!  It was a tie, Mark.  It was a tie!

This is Bad Brad Nelson.  He's Nor-tech newest salesperson who just started working with us this past Monday.  Somehow he survived his first week without taking a punch at one of us.  That's a good sign he'll be able to last at the company.  After a heavy night of partying,  Brad and I snuck into the restaurant kitchen and asked one of the cooks to take this photo.  The manager walked by and said "All right, but only one."  Lucky he said that.  Otherwise we might have stayed in there for the rest of the night taking pictures of each other.

November 26, 2006

The Shortarmguy Family had a fantastic Thanksgiving celebration down on the farm in Inwood, Iowa.   Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's House we went.  It's Grandfather's House as well.  We also stopped by Uncle Jerry and Aunt Laura's house, but we didn't really go through any woods or rivers to get there.  We just drove down a gravel road.   

As usual, I spent all morning slaving over a hot stove preparing this marvelous turkey for the family.  All right, that's not true.  The ladies wouldn't let me anywhere near the kitchen until the bird was done.  Then they barely let me take this picture because they thought for sure I'd drop it or something.  I tried to explain to Grandma that it was more important for me to get a picture with the turkey than it was for everyone else to eat it.  But she didn't buy that.

It was a balmy 60 degrees Thanksgiving afternoon so Uncle Jerry brought the 4 wheelers out for us to get reckless!  For some reason, the boys kept fighting over who got to ride with mom.  Neither one fought over who got to ride with dad.   I guess I'm just too conservative in my driving.  Either that or mom was feeding them cookies while flying through the fields.

I finally persuaded Avery to ride with me and we raced back and forth in the cornfields.  I thought we were going pretty fast and having lots of fun.  But he just gave me that look that said "Can I ride with mom, now?" 

Sunny had a blast at the farm!  He loved scaring the pigs and would bound back to their pen every chance he could to watch them scurry away from him grunting in unison!  The dog had a bit of a fright when he encountered this oinker who was out of his cage.  Grandpa had pulled him from the pen when he appeared sickly and his friends kept picking on him.  We figured he was dead when we approached him laying next to one of the buildings.  Once Sunny got too close, the pig jumped up and started running away as fast as he could!  It startled the crap out of all of us!  But we were thankful that the pig had survived and would live long enough for a trip to the butcher.  Such a Happy Ending for him.

The boys love going to the farm and hanging out with their Grandpa and their cousins.    I said to them "If you love it so much, then why don't you marry it!"  But they just looked at me like I was weird.

Since we won't be together for Christmas this year, we exchanged gifts early with Miss Sheri's family.  Grandpa was so excited when he received this pole as a gift.  I have no idea what he planned on doing with the pole, but the smile he carried on his face for the rest of the night after opening it really caused me to wonder.

As is our tradition, Miss Sheri and I woke up early to join the Crazy People shopping on Black Friday.  We arrived at Best Buy in Sioux Falls, South Dakota at 4:15am and the line was already around the store!  There had to be at least 1000 people there already!  We decided to skip waiting and go to a different store, but before we left we went to chat with the people at the front of the line.  They told us they'd been there since 5PM the day before and offered to sell us the chance to buy one of the bargain TV's for $20.00.  We passed.  I asked them if I could get a picture with them for my website.  They asked me for the name of my site which I told them. As I was walking away, one of them shouted "Nothing like stating the obvious!"  Cute kids.

For the first time ever, Shortarmguy made the front page of DIGG.com on Friday!!  The "Shortarmguy's Black Friday" video was featured and was watched over 40000 times on Youtube in just a couple of days!  Many people actually believed I was crying in the video which leads me to believe that I just may have a future in acting!!

November 19, 2006

Luke's friend at school turned us on to this incredible Gymnastics Center in Savage, Minnesota.  On Friday nights, they have an open gym program where we can drop off the boys so they can flip, tumble, and jump themselves silly.  They have trampolines built into the floor and this incredible foam pit that you can jump into  via a variety of methods including a rope swing.  Every time I saw that foam pit, I shuddered with desire at the thought of jumping in there myself...but I never had the guts to ask if I could do it.

So with Luke & Avery entertained, we joined several of my co-workers at a local tavern.  Known enemy, Nick Rahman, had told me there was going to be a big get together of cool people at the bar.  With Nick's history, this could have meant there would be 2 people there or there could be 20 people.  You just don't know if you can believe him.  Luckily for us, this was one of the nights that a bunch of fun people arrived including several former members of the boy band, Hanson.

We brought Grandma Linda with us to celebrate her first visit to a bar since Grandpa Denny died.  She was a bit stressed out before attending because her favorite drink is a sloe screw and she didn't think bars still carried sloe gin.  They did.  She ended up leaving the bar with some big, hairy truck driver.  We haven't seen her since so I haven't had the chance to ask her if she had a good time, but I'm guessing the answer is yes.

This is Mike Wittchow.  He's the Whiz Kid who's transitioning from the Nor-tech tech room to the Nor-tech sales floor.  He's a hustler who's working more angles than a professional pool player.  He was a bit disappointed this week because he wasn't able to buy a Playstation 3.  Last I talked to him, he said he was going to spend Saturday standing in line to try to get his hands on a Wii.  Doesn't sound like something I'd be into, but I try to keep an open mind.

So after a couple of quick drinks, we prepared to leave to pick up the boys from the bounce factory.  That was when my buddy "Uncle" Larry Hanson surprised me with a fresh new beer.  I had to face a dilemma.  Either tell him I had to leave or be polite and accept his generous offer.   I believe I did the right thing.

In college, I honed a skill for "slamming" beer.  I don't claim to be the fastest in the world or anything, but I can down a large beer in just a few seconds.  I believe I developed this skill to help me in situations just like these and not because I had some kind of "problem" like my friends and family used to tell me.  

Twenty minutes later, I used my newly found Liquid Courage to ask the proprietor if I could take a leap of faith into his Pit of Foam.  He seemed happy to oblige.  He said with a smirk "Go ahead!" and then followed with a sentence under his breath that would later haunt me:  "Good luck getting out!"   I was so excited for my upcoming adventure that I ignored his subtle warning.

I watched the boys dive in this pit in a variety of ways and it looked real easy.  They jumped in and crawled out over and over again.  The thing I didn't realize is that my fat body would sink in a lot deeper.  And it's really hard to leverage foam to climb on to advance my position.  I tried to walk through it with no luck, I was wedged in hard.  I tried to climb, but that wasn't easy either.  So I wiggled.  I wiggled and jiggled and moved foam pieces from my front side to my back side.  Kids kept jumping in all around me and laughed as I struggled to move.  But I did it.  I eventually worked my way to the side and somehow pulled my exhausted body out of that Hell Pit!  And then I collapsed in a heap of sweaty dress clothes and I wept.

Now I'd like to think that there's a moral to this story.  That I learned some kind of a lesson.  Sadly, I don't think that happened.  Whatever wisdom that was to be gained from this was left in the same place as my favorite black dress socks.  At the bottom of a dirty pile of foam blocks.

November 12, 2006

On Tuesday, the Shortarmguy Family did our civic duty and went to our election place to cast our ballots.  Sadly, none of the candidates I voted for won the election.  I guess that's what I get for writing in Shortarmguy for every office.  I know I could do great things if I was in charge of education or agriculture!

This is John Schatz.  He works for Clear Channel and convinced me that we could do great things for Nor-tech and Voyageur PC if we bought a bunch of radio commercials from him.  He also convinced me that he could help re-design Shortarmguy.com to provide a much better user experience.  When he started to convince me that he could sell me the secrets to lose weight, get rich, and become a better lover...I soon realized that I might have encountered the greatest salesperson I've ever met in my life!

My dad and Joyce came to town this weekend marking their 3rd visit to Minnesota this year....and their 3rd visit in the past 5 years!  It's so nice that they have free time to drive up here now that they've dumped their silly jobs which were keeping them in Mississippi.  They also recently moved to Branson, Missouri which makes travel time quite a bit shorter.  I also think I've become a little less surly and more pleasant to be around which makes it easier for them to want to spend time with us.  Nahhhh, it's probably the shorter drive.

On Saturday, we went to Burnsville Mall to watch the  Christmas parade which ushered Santa Claus into the mall so kids could sit in his lap and tell him their Christmas wishes.  For some reason, the boys were grumpy all morning so Crunch did us a favor by covering their scowling faces as they posed for this picture.  Since the Minnesota Timberwolves have recently lost 4 games in a row, he probably wants to cover some of his player's faces as well!

Saturday afternoon we decided to go to the Mall of America and Underwater World.  We just didn't have enough people in our lives and decided to go to a place where thousands of them would bump into us, step on our feet, steal our parking space, and give us dirty looks.  Plus we saw a bunch of fish!!  It was so much fun that we bought a membership!

Miss Sheri explained to us that growing up on the farm they used to eat turtles just like this shell and all.  Some times, they'd even kill them first, but those were on the good days.

On Sunday, we had the pleasure of attending the Minnesota Viking/Green Bay Packer game at the Metrodome.  Pleasure quickly turned into pain, though,  as Brad Johnson and the Purple team extended their losing streak to 3 games.  I kept thinking they should  put me in the game, but I don't think the coach even looked in my direction to make that call.  What a pity.  

We had the honor of watching the game with Minnesota Talk Radio Superstar, Jason Lewis.   I've been a fan of Jason's Show for years and he's also a fellow alumni of the University of Northern Iowa.  Go Panthers!

November 5, 2006

Happy Halloween!  The gang at Nor-tech dressed up in a variety of costumes to celebrate.  We tried to be nice to each other for the holiday as well, but that only lasted until about lunch time.  That was then the clown kicked the ghost in his sheet hole and the gorilla jumped on the afro guy frantically attempting to groom his hair. 

Then all Hell broke loose.

Nick and Anita were the big winners of the Nor-tech Halloween contest.  Honestly, I don't think Nick even knew it was Halloween.  That's just the way he planned to dress for work on Tuesday. 

Luke and Avery had a great time trick or treating, even though the masks were uncomfortable and didn't last long enough for them to make it out the front door.  Then their mom didn't think it would be a good idea for them to carry their light sabers since they had to carry their candy bags.  Finally, their mom said since it was so cold outside, the boys had to wear their winter jackets.  So it was pretty tough to tell they were even wearing costumes.  Luckily the neighbors still gave them candy rather than slamming doors in their faces.

On Thursday, I spent the whole day manning the Nor-tech booth at the Intel/Microsoft Ready 2 Rock show where local computer resellers learned about Intel's new Core 2 Duo Processors and Microsoft's upcoming launches of Vista and Office 2007.  We showed off our new Voyageur Mini PC which generated a lot of thrills, although it's possible that people were just pretending to be thrilled since we were giving them free Voyageur T-shirts.  It's really tough to tell for sure. 

Miss Sheri left me this weekend.  She drove down to Des Moines to visit with her old college buddies, Cathy & Robin.  I gave her the digital camera and told her to make sure to take some "exciting" photos of her with her friends.  This is the best one she gave me.  Today, we're going to pull out the dictionary and together go over the definition of the word "exciting".    

We've been having unseasonably warm November weather in Minnesota, giving the boys and I an opportunity to spend more time outside burning things.  Talk about quality time together!

October 29, 2006

We just love Halloween at the Shortarmguy house!  Whoops!  I apologize.  I guess it's now considered politically incorrect to use the term Halloween.  I certainly don't want to offend anyone, so please let me re-start this dialog:  We just love late October at the Shortarmguy house!  Miss Sheri and the boys had a lot of fun carving our "Autumn Harvest Pumpkins". 

Miss Sheri and the boys created this pumpkin snowman for the Cub Scout's Annual Pumpkin Carving Contest.  Sadly, they didn't win.  I'm hoping to be able to help them with their entry next year assuming that the restraining order will be lifted so I'm allowed to handle sharp objects near children again.

On Saturday, we enjoyed watching Avery's final soccer game of the season.  As you can see here, he was extremely happy with me walking on the field during the game to take his picture.  I needed to keep moving, however, since watching the game in 40 degree weather tends to make the blood chill just a bit.

Luke can be seen here intensely watching his brother's game and rooting him on with all his might!  At least he didn't belly-ache about being cold like his father did.

On Saturday night, we went with the Cub Scouts to The OK Corral in Jordan, Minnesota for a good old fashioned horse drawn wagon ride through the woods.  It was a lot of fun.  We had a campfire, sang songs, roasted marshmallows, and ate s'mores.    We didn't get involved in any Shootouts at the OK Corral, which was lucky for us since we had so many kids in our group.  They tend to have pretty lousy aim.

Our old friend, Cowboy Wyatt, was there again to drive the wagon.  He's a very nice guy who told scary tales to the kids as we navigated the woods in the moonlight.  On the ride back, the boy's den leader snuck off the wagon, ran ahead, and then scared the heck out of the children.  I was really jealous!!  I just love terrorizing 7 year olds! 

Miss Sheri and Grandma Linda had a wonderful time on the ride holding down the rear-end of the wagon.  If any attackers would have come upon us from that direction, they would have had our back.  Although if Grandma Linda saw any strange cowboys wandering around alone in the woods, I'm guessing she would have attacked him.  It gets lonely being a widow!

Shortarmguy's Diary Archive

October 22, 2006

It was MEA week in Minnesota so there was no school from Wednesday to Friday.   Miss Sheri and the boys headed to the farm to watch Grandpa Larry and Uncle Jerry work on the corn.  Since I wasn't there, I have no way of knowing if something funny was happening while this photo was taken.  So I like to imagine that immediately afterwards something spooked the dog causing him to jump in the air, knocking the board into Uncle Jerry's head which of course leaves him unharmed.  The dog then runs up the corn chute splattering corn all over the place and then falls through the top of the barn, landing safely in a big pile of kernels.  Yeah, that's what happened. 

Luke and Avery absolutely love going to the farm and spending time with their cousins.  It gives them more people to beat on and tease besides just each other.

On Saturday, we decided to try to widen the family's cultural experiences by visiting the newly expanded Walker Art Center in downtown Minneapolis.  We forgot that modern art might contain images that aren't appropriate for the youngsters.  We saw a photo of a man with a bullet in his head lying in a pool of blood neatly arranged amongst photos of mountain ranges.  We saw what looked like a child's playroom complete with a bench soaked in blood and what probably could be best described as brain matter surrounded by drawings depicting various sexual imagery.  We walked through a cardboard box tunnel which seemed fun for the boys, until we noticed the poster featuring a topless Pamela Anderson.  And then there was the box which contained a big bloody slice of a Hippopotamus.  Such a Happy way to spend a Saturday!! 

The worst part of the Walker Art Center was that they wouldn't allow us to take pictures inside the galleries!  How the heck am I supposed to update my website with those kind of restraints?  I tried to sneak a couple of pictures, but there seemed to be guards stalking me around every corner!  I was really afraid that they might cut me up and turn my bloody pieces into one of their new exhibits.  It would be a whole new way to experience Shortarmguy. 

Lucky for us, the boys didn't seem to notice the things their mom and I noticed.  Miss Sheri was pretty good at spotting the disturbing images and distracting their attention to other things before they saw them.  Had it been their father's responsibility to watch out for their best interests, I'm quite certain that multiple follow-up conversations would have been required to explain that the art wasn't going to "get them".     

Miss Sheri and I strolled off to take various photos in the Sculpture Garden and lost track of my mom.  When we later stumbled upon her, she was actively engaged in a lively conversation with this statue.   After about 45 minutes of listening to her tell him stories, we finally decided to interrupt her so we could go home.   

October 14, 2006

It was a busy week in Shortarmguyland.  On Tuesday night, I had the pleasure of attending a hockey match between the hometown Minnesota Wild and the visiting Vancouver Canucks.  It was an exciting game ending in overtime then a shootout with the Wild proving themselves victorious!  Game details here.

I went as the guest of my old buddy, Sean Quinlan, who is a humongous Wild Fan.  It was a ton of fun.  The only unpleasant part was every time we walked someplace Sean would unexpectedly check me into things such as brick walls, railings, and an old lady in a wheelchair.  I'd look back at him in surprise, but he'd just poke me hard in the chest and shout "This is Minnesota Hockey, baby!"  I guess I needed to grow up here to understand.

Sean introduced me to Hans who has been a parking lot attendant outside the Excel Center since before the place even opened.  Hans was a very nice man who described himself as "just a lot monkey!"  After spending some time witnessing Hans take extra special care of his clients coming to the game, I'd have to say I disagree with his assessment.  In my opinion, Hans is the Best Damned Lot Monkey in the Twin Cities!

On Saturday, we were pleased to have the opportunity to join our friends, Nick and Jessie Forga, as they made things official and tied the knot.  They were married in an incredible church in tiny Waverly, Minnesota.  The bride looked stunning, the ceremony was beautiful, and everyone wept when the bride and groom presented their moms with flowers.   The only glitch occurred when the priest accidentally referred to Nick as Nicole.  That one made me snicker uncontrollably under my breath for a good hour and a half.

After the wedding, we were taken by surprise when famed Shortarmguy stalker, Steve "Cuds" Cuddihy raced out of the church and did a flying leap tackle right into my chest.  Luckily his lovely wife, Melissa, was there to settle him down and give him some of the "magic pills" she has for him to keep his feelings towards me inside.  After the pills took effect we were able to spend a couple nice hours together drinking and celebrating our friendship.

On Saturday night, we had the privilege of attending JDRF's 2006 Imagination Ball.  It's the annual fundraiser event to help raise money to find a cure for juvenile diabetes.  It was a fantastic event and it made us feel really good to attend.  Plus, I just love going to Balls. 

We partied all night with a bunch of old friends.  Most of the people we knew had some blood or other liquid relationship with the Hornbuckle Clan.  We also were with my former high school classmates Brad Bernaman and Jason Alexander.  Although it is entirely possible that those two have also shared some sort of fluid with one of the Hornbuckles in the past.  It's really tough to tell just by looking at them.

We received the exciting news from Chris and Teri that they're expecting their third child!   Apparently these two Hornbuckles need to share a little less fluid if you know what I mean!  If you don't know what I mean, please email me and I'll send you a little diagram I created which spells things out better. 

Kim Bailey (formerly Hornbuckle) is the Corporate Development Manager for JDRF.  Since she's one of the organizers of the event, I had the honor in helping her to make a video shown before the Fund A Cure portion of the event.  This is what we came up with: 

JDRF Fund A Cure Video

Kim knows one of my dreams has always been to have my own marketing consultant and multimedia production agency.  She was kind enough to have my brand new logo highlighted in the JDRF event guide.  Now I just need to get off my dead butt and create the website and business plan for this new venture.  Then we'll be rocking!

Joe Schmit was the program emcee for the event.  Many Minnesotans will recognize Mr Schmit from his many years spent doing sports and news on Twin Cities ABC Affiliate KSTP Channel 5.  He recently accepted the position as President of Petters Media and Marketing Group.  Joe and I go way back.  Almost 24 hours now!

Of course, a night with the Hornbuckles wouldn't be complete without some naughtiness.  Heather and Debbie are seen dancing together in this picture.  Sadly, it's the only photo I could show and keep this a family website.   For awhile there, I swear I was witnessing the filming of a remake of the classic movie, Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights!

Shortarmguy's Diary Archive

October 7, 2006

On Wednesday, I went to watch the Minnesota Twins lose their second straight playoff game against the Oakland A's.  I've never been a huge fan of professional baseball, but it was still exciting to be at the game given the circumstances the Twins went through to get there.  It's fun to jump on bandwagons!  Sadly,  they went on to get swept in the series so I guess I'm off the wagon again!   

I had a bad feeling things would be tough for the home team when I saw these dark clouds lingering over the Metrodome shortly before the game.  Miss Sheri said she saw similar clouds over the church on our wedding day, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. 

I went to the game as a courtesy of Clear Channel and my good friend, Kasia, who is Nor-tech's fantastic outdoor advertising salesperson.  She's a huge fan, so the loss affected her a lot more than it did me.  I kept hearing her muttering something like "Why did I bring this unlucky scumbag".  But every time I asked her if something was wrong, she just smiled and told me to watch the game.

It was another Soccer Saturday morning as we watched Avery go out and give his all while kicking other kid's in the shins.  Luke sat through the game and did good until half time when the kids gathered together for snacks.  This was the first time he realized that he wasn't part of the soccer team and became quite upset about it.  Of course, he doesn't even like oranges, but that didn't matter.  He wanted to play soccer again!

Luke is making very good progress and had his cast removed a couple weeks ago.  He now has a splint on his arm.  He can remove it, but still needs to be pretty cautious with his activities.  The tendon transfer went quite well and he seems to have better strength in his thumb.  It's also grown to be a huge thumb looking much like his father's.  Soon, he'll be rolling out his own website called www.shortarmguyjr.com. 

I don't think I've ever written about our friends, the Albino Squirrels.  This photo was taken in my backyard yesterday.  We started seeing these adorable creatures at our house in Savage, Minnesota after the boys were born.  I honestly don't remember ever in my life seeing one before then.   The day we decided to buy our new house in Prior Lake, we saw two albino squirrels in the yard so it gave us a real good feeling about our decision.   They've been around us ever since!   We consider them to be our personal guardian angels because they'd frequently appear whenever we were worrying about one of the boy's heart surgeries or other scary medical issues we've had to endure.    

On Saturday afternoon, we want to Prior Lake's Autumn Gathering which had games and activities for the kids.  My favorite part was rubbing this man's snake.

On Saturday night, we had a fun evening of socializing with our friends, the Ashlands.  I tried to rub Tim's snake as well, but he was having none of it!

Shortarmguy's Diary Archive

October 1, 2006

All the leaves are brown (the leaves are brown)....and the sky is blue.....we went for a walk.....and it was cool...

We love Autumn! 

The time of year that God takes his paintbrush and drips beautiful hues of orange, yellow and crimson over the trees. 

Then the dang leaves fall off and load our yards with tree crap and  winter arrives shortly afterwards.

We hate Autumn!

October ushers in the time to get the boat winterized, cleaned up and put into storage.  For those of you in warmer clients that don't get to experience this annual ritual, it's necessary because in Minnesota the temperatures drop  way below zero which makes water in the engine freeze and could cause all sorts of problems!  So the choice is to either have the water removed or stand out in the garage all winter and breathe hot breath all over the boat.  The second option saves some money, but ends up getting a bit tiring sometime around February. 

On Friday night, Grandma had us over for a fantastic supper consisting of roast, corn, and sweet potatoes.  She then surprised us all at the end of the meal by getting a big bucket of whipped cream and pouring it over Luke and Avery's heads.  Trust me.  They probably deserved it.

On Saturday morning I watched Avery's soccer team battle their way to a 5 - 5 tie game.  Avery played a mean game at goalie and stopped several shots before letting a couple sneak by him.  Then I grounded him for a week.

Mom and Luke spent the game in the parking lot hustling sales for Cub Scout Popcorn.  They actually did pretty well and saved us from bothering people by going door to door.  We're going to do that later today instead!  We figure we'll wait until about midnight so we can be sure to catch people at home.  Fundraising is so much fun!

September 24, 2006

Grandpa Bob and Grandma Joyce came to town this weekend.  Shortarmguy's dad recently endured his 5th round of chemotherapy treatments to keep his leukemia in remission.  He appears to be as strong as ever!!  He quit smoking as soon as he found out he had cancer and it seems to be really helping him.  I really believe things happen in life for a reason.  Although dealing with cancer has been pretty crappy for them, it seems this experience has given them  new outlooks on life.  They hadn't come up to visit us in many years and now have been here twice in the past 6 months.  God might have given them a slap in the face to wake them up to what's important in life.  Spending quality time with those who love you!

We spent Saturday at Minnesota Harvest which is a large apple orchard and hosts many great family activities like horseback riding, tractor pulled wagon rides, a petting zoo, and great treats to eat!   Their website says they have personally bred 25 new kinds of apples right there on site.  My job might be a little tough sometimes, but at least I don't have to breed apples.   I'm not even sure how I'd go about balancing myself in the tree!

Over the river and through the woods with Grandpa and Grandma we go...the tractor knows the way to carry the wagon through the deep and slimy mud.   Technically, you're supposed go out to the orchard so you can pick apples, but we're really not that into red fruit.   We do like rides in the woods, though.  It gives the ticks a good opportunity to leap in our hair.    

This is Dan.  He drove the tractor that pulled our wagon.  My dad told him he was a very nice gentleman and that seemed to make him happy.  He then told us that most people find him to be grumpy because he has to yell at them to stay out of certain parts of the orchard.  Apparently some of their apples are pretty rare and can be sold for up to $5 each!  So people wander into expensive apple territory and load their bags.  He said they caught one person doing this and made them pay $90 for a bag of apples!  I'd never heard of apple crime before, but it sounds pretty scary.

Sunny was caught off guard when he discovered his Aunt Daisy would be staying for the weekend.   He offered her a stick, but she was having none of that.  She's eight years older than Sunny, weighs about half his weight, and has a ton of hair in her eyes.  But when she snapped at Sunny, he about jumped through the glass door.   The Big Wuss!  I'm thinking we may have had his balls snipped off at too early of an age!

Some sad news this week in ShortarmguyLand.  The Dude announced his intention to leave Nor-tech to pursue another opportunity.  So no more Shortarmguy and The Dude Podcasts.  He keeps telling me that we haven't done any in over a year anyways, but I think we would have started again soon.  Secretly, I think he's upset that our submission for The Office promo wasn't accepted.  It's just too hard for him emotionally to continue working with me.  Thanks, NBC.

September 17, 2006

The Shortarmguy Family spent their Saturday at The Minnesota Renaissance Festival.  It's basically a place where a bunch of weirdoes dress up in costumes and pretend they live in a different era of time.  They charge you a bunch of money to get in so you can pay a bunch of money for food and vendors try to sell you a bunch of overpriced arts and crafts.  We just love it so much we go every year!!!  One of these days, I'm also going to be one of those weirdoes in a costume! 

No trip to the Renaissance Festival would be complete without visiting our old friends, Puke and Snot.  These comedians have been a staple of the show since 1974 and we make sure to see them each year.  Their double entendres keep mom and dad laughing while the young boys giggle at their antics even though they have no clue what they're talking about.  At least we hope they have no clue what they're talking about!

Shortarmguy and Puke go way back.

Shortarmguy and Snot also go way back. 

I can remember dealing with puke and snot ever since I was a baby.  As far as the performers go, however, this was the first time I'd ever talked with either of them in person.  Since I've been going to their shows for at least 15 years,  I'm certain they must have remembered seeing me in the audience before.  I stand out like a sore thumb.  Either that or a guy with no thumbs.  Whichever stands out more...

Our other favorite show is the joust where several crazy men dress up in armor and charge each other with large wooden lances until one of them gets knocked off their horse.  Then they beat each other with swords until one of them is declared the winner.  It looks a lot like professional wrestling, but not quite as realistic.

We had a bit of sad news this week when we found out that Miss Sheri's Uncle Fred and Aunt Mary were able to sell their house and are moving from Minnesota to Arizona.  Can't imagine why anyone would want to leave this climate for that one!  We will sure miss these guys!!  Not sure why, but all of our relatives keep moving away from us.  Maybe it's our breath...

September 10, 2006

Summer went away in a flash in Minnesota and the void was quickly filled in by some freaky cold weather.  So the Shortarmguy family was forced to break out the jackets earlier than normal this year.   We haven't opened up the Long johns drawer quite yet...but I'm sure it will be coming soon.  Gotta keep those privates warm, don't ya know!

Luke and Avery were belly aching about summer being over and having to start second grade.  Until they went to their class and discovered there was a snake in their home room!  Now they can't wait to go back!  Sounds like a great name for a movie...."Snakes in a Class!"  Nah...

Avery had his first soccer game this week which was a lot of fun!  Until Luke arrived.  He was supposed to be on the same team , but has been banned from playing this year because of his hand surgery.  So instead of cheering, he mostly screams at the other team to "take out" his brother.  It's not a very pretty sight.   

After the game, the boys started beating one another silly until finally the police arrived and arrested them.  All right, that's not entirely accurate.  We went to a nearby neighborhood celebration and met this nice officer who let them tour his patrol car.  I asked if I could also play with his gun, but he just looked at me funny.  Why do I get the strange feeling this won't be the last time they'll share one of these back seats?

The Dude held his annual Fantasy Football draft on Wednesday night which is always good for a laugh or two.  I ended up with Larry Johnson, Brian Westbrook, and Marvin Harrison as my key players in both of my leagues this year.  I also went for TJ Whosyourmama but I didn't have any luck getting him.  Championship!

This nice gentleman is named Nick and he's one of Jay Erickson's customers.  The other day, I walked into the Nor-tech tech room, where I found Jay and Nick having a conversation with Steve "Cuds" Cuddihy.  Not wanting to disturb them, I walked to the other side of the room pretending I was looking for something.  Well, all of a sudden, Jay yells over to me and says "Hey, Todd!  My customer thinks you look like Shortarmguy."  Appearing embarrassed, Nick turned to Jay to shush him.  I walked up and said "Yeah, I get that a lot.....not sure why!"

But it's not all fun and games at my job.  I still have enemies like Nick Rahman around.  Nick and I had a tussle about a week or so ago and we didn't talk for a few days.  During our period of separation, Nick entertained himself by forwarding this photo to my fellow co-workers featuring the similarities between Shortarmguy and The Lord Of The Rings' character Gollum.  He might be on to something there.

On Saturday night, we hooked up with our friends the Hornbuckles along with Jason Alexander and his brother, Andy.  We went to Buca in downtown Minneapolis and ate some darn good Italian food.   We also celebrated Andy's upcoming birthday in January because we just love to sing that Happy Birthday song.

September 3, 2006

It was Monster Truck Week for the Shortarmguy Household!  It started at the local Napa Auto Parts Store on Sunday.  We saw the truck parked near the highway so we stopped to get some pictures.  The driver was a nice guy.  He told us he was going to drive over some cars later that afternoon and we should come back to watch.  He then gave the boys autographed pictures and said to go into the store for some free Dilly Bars.  He was one of the greatest men I've ever met in my entire life!

We probably sat too close as we watched because we learned later in the week that these things roll over pretty easily.  Luckily our family didn't get smashed.  Luke and Avery did learn a very valuable lesson that every 7 year old should know: It's really fun to drive trucks into cars!!

I took some video of the event so you could share in our Sunday afternoon enjoyment.  Sadly, I don't have the ability to share the Dilly Bars over the internet.

On Wednesday, Shortarmguy took the afternoon to go to the Minnesota State Fair with the boys.   While visiting the vendor area, we encountered a new friend of ours named Sean Ung who is an extremely talented craftsman.  He's a Wood Carver who owns and operates a business called Splendid Nature.   If you're into stuff made from wood, be sure to check out his site!   I love wood!

The reason we went to the fair was for the Monster Truck Nationals hosted in the Coliseum.  Six trucks were performing all sorts of crazy tricks, races, and jumps.  Also showing off was a psycho on a motor bike and a fire breathing dragon named Draco.  The second I walked in the room, my testosterone levels reached a height they'd never attained before.  It felt kind of tingly.

Draco was much cooler than I expected.  He shot fire from his mouth, sprayed some kind of goo at the audience, and ate cars to shreds.  I wish I could have him follow me to work each morning.  He'd come in pretty handy whenever I feel the urge to perform some road rage on a fellow commuter!

I made another video showing the Monster Truck Rally highlights.  I hope you enjoy them!

On Friday night, Miss Sheri and I had a special treat to go golfing at Cleary Lake Golf Course in Prior Lake.  Naturally, my wife kicked my butt in the game, but we had a dang good time any ways.

I'm guessing many of you are curious how a guy named Shortarmguy can golf so I thought it would be fun to include this video.  It's hard to see where the ball lands, but I'm pretty sure I found it in the hole.  I just can't remember for certain.

August 27, 2006

On Saturday, we stopped by the Shakopee Mdewakanton Sioux Community's annual Wacipi.  It's a celebration with fun, food, and festivities centered around a dancing competition with Native Americans displaying their traditional regalia.  I tried to gather the courage to get a picture with one of them, but I didn't get many inviting looks from the participants.  This gentleman reluctantly agreed to allow me to take his photograph, but gave me a strong feeling he wanted to to celebrate another tradition by scalping me.  I didn't ask anyone else.

This security guard was very nice and gave the Shortarmguy family a lift.  It was pretty cool until my mom placed her hand on his inner thigh causing him to suddenly accelerate and swerve erratically.  The four of us on the back had to hold on for dear life so mama could get her thrills! 

Evil Luke made a visit last weekend, which was kind of expected after his hand surgery two days before.  I don't know if it's the anesthesia or fears of previous surgeries that brings us our old friend, but we knew he was here when Luke screamed "I'll have to wear this cast for 2 years" and "I'll never get to go swimming again".  But he was able to exorcise his demon by Monday and Happy Luke is back with us!  He even played Freeze Tag with the Cub Scouts on Monday night which was pretty darn cool to see!! 

As I've written about before, Luke's favorite activity is Frog Hunting.  So to try to make him happy, we let him  do it only a couple days after his surgery.  His mom strapped a garbage bag around his cast and off he went with his net in his short arm.  I didn't think he had a chance in heck of catching one....

But I guess I need to have more faith in my son!  He caught this little guy after a short period of trying.  He was tickled pink.  He was so excited that we decided to let him kill it any way he wanted.  Just kidding, animal lovers!  We follow a rigid catch and release policy with frogs.  We used to bring them home and keep them in an aquarium, but that proved to be a major pain in the butt!  Who wants to pay $6 a week for crickets to feed something that can eat in the park for free! 

Avery followed in the long brotherly tradition of  reminding his sibling of all the fun activities that he would be missing while wearing a cast.  Luke told us he would be ok with it if Avery jumped off the boat a few times, then proceeded to have a tantrum after he started.  We let Avery do it just long enough for Luke to spin his head on his neck in a complete circle.  Then we knew it was time to stop. 

On Friday night, the boys and I took a night walk down to the lake to let Sunny go swimming.  When I saw the dog's glowing eyes, I had a pretty good idea where Luke's exorcised demon ended up going.  Evil Sunny!

August 20, 2006

On Tuesday night, we celebrated Miss Sheri's 39th birthday by playing mini-golf.  It's one of the wilder activities we could imagine doing.  The match was pretty competitive with multi-colored balls falling left and right.  Although we didn't keep score, I'm quite certain I won.  And I've been reminding my family of that fact every single day! 

Grandma Linda joined us for the game which was a bit embarrassing since she insisted on having a golf cart and caddy drive her around the course.  She also screamed "Fore" at the top of her lungs after every single shot.  I don't think the mini golf people are going to let us come back.

On Wednesday, Miss Sheri took the boys to the Minnesota Zoo to see the brand new meerkats.  The old family of meerkats had to be killed a couple of weeks ago after a kid reached into the cage and was bit by one of them.  Rather than subject the child to treatment for rabies, they destroyed the animals to make sure they weren't rabid.  It's created quite a bit of controversy locally and you can read more about it in the Star Tribune here.  Everybody wants to blame the parents for not being responsible enough to watch their kid and these poor creatures had to sacrifice their lives because of it.  Personally, I think the zoo should allow each visitor to kill an animal of their choice to boost attendance.  Just kidding, animal lovers.    

On Wednesday night, we went swimming at Grandma's pool for probably the last time in 2006.  Luke had his hand surgery on Thursday and will be wearing a cast into mid-September.  I'm still pushing to let him swim with the cast because I think it would be good for him  to learn to swim with 10 pounds of plaster attached to his strong arm, but his mom is strongly against the idea.

Avery and I have been working on a new underwater dance routine and I think we're getting quite good.  We're thinking of starting a synchronized swimming squad at the boys school this year should we get enough support from the community. 

On Thursday, we had Luke's hand surgery which was  more intense than we were expecting.  The anesthesiologist made us quite nervous reminding us that our son was born with a serious heart condition.  Normally, we tend to block those unpleasant thoughts.   Luke was very brave going into his tenth surgery, but did get a little freaked out when we walked him into the actual operating room.   The surgeon cleared out a bunch of scar tissue from his last hand surgery which had been causing him discomfort and had to do a skin graft over that spot.  She then did a tendon transfer from his ring finger to his reconstructed thumb to hopefully give it more strength.  All went well and we were able to leave the hospital without spending the night.  Thanks to everyone for their prayers for Luke!