Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email firstname.lastname@example.org the best stuff you get. I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
May 27, 2001 Emails
Hey, at least he's learning!
Subject: Sensitivity Training
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance
of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
Perhaps I can work late.
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
No fucking way.
You've got to be shitting me!
Perhaps you should check with...
Tell someone who gives a shit.
I wasn't involved in the project.
It's not my fucking problem.
What the fuck?
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
This shit won't work.
I'll try to schedule that.
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
He's not familiar with the issues.
He's got his head up his ass.
Excuse me, sir?
Eat shit and die.
So you weren't happy with it?
Kiss my ass.
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
I don't think you understand.
Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge.
This job sucks.
You want me to take care of that?
Who the hell died and made you boss?
He's somewhat insensitive.
He's a prick.
She's an aggressive go-getter.
She's a ball-busting bitch.
I think you could use more training.
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
The Human Resource Department
May 19, 2001 Emails
Truth in Advertising
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly
prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
May 12, 2001 Emails
Hey, at least they're honest!
May 5, 2001 Emails
The real flood danger in my neighborhood...
Actual newspaper ad. Dad really must be excited about that new bike...
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so
that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the
light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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