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Shortarmguy's Emails To Make You Think March 25, 2007 This is a very
interesting piece to read, will take all of 2 minutes and
March 19, 2007 You Know You're From A Small Town If...1. You can name
everyone you graduated with.
March 18, 2007
Deer Roping
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, which had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it Took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it! As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, "What happened?"
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.
Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering,
"There is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer!"
March 11, 2007
THIS IS A US POSTAL SERVICE STORY
She told me what to write, and I did.
March 4, 2007 A Story Worth Reading . . . Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away.
But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on
taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of
danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs
my assistance, I reasoned to myself.
I could hear something being dragged across the
"I'm tired. Let's go now"
What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was
impatient to end his shift? February 25, 2007 How to annoy the IRS 1. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. 2. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side. 3. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. 4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. 5. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. 6. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). 7. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money. 8. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. 9. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on. 10. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack. 11. If they owe you money, being nice helps.
February 18, 2007
See what 50 years will do.
February 11, 2007 Learning I've learned you can get by on charm for
about 15 mins. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned you shouldn't compare your self
to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned it's not what happens to people
that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned you can do something in an
instant that will give you a heartache for life. I've learned no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides. I've learned sometimes two is a crowd. I've learned regardless of your relationship
with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. I've learned it's taking me a long time to
become the person I want to be. I've learned it's a lot easier to react than
it is to think. I've learned you should always leave
loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that, along with the eyes and
cheeks, tears wash the soul. I've learned Angels can't lie.... even if
they try. I've learned flowers and pricker bushes grow
out of the same dirt. I've learned you can keep going long after
you think you can't. I've learned we are responsible for what we
do, no matter how we feel. I've learned I can't visit a bookstore or
music store without buying something. I've learned either you control your attitude
or it controls you. I've learned that sometimes I just need to be
held. I've learned learning to forgive takes
practice. I've learned if splashing in puddles means
you have to wear wet shoes for the rest of the day, Sometimes it's worth it. I've learned you can love someone and still
not like them very much. I've learned when I'm given a choice of 31
flavors of ice cream, I still choose vanilla. I've learned there are people who love you
dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned my best friend and I can do
anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned I'm getting more like my mom,
and I am happy about it. I've learned true friendship continues to
grow , even over the longest distance. I've learned a little kiss can make a
big difference. I've learned silence can be an answer. I've learned just because someone doesn't
love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all
they have. I've learned no matter how old I am, I want
my mom when I'm hurting. I've learned maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and
less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned you should never tell a child
his dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and
what a tragedy it would be if he believed it. I've learned how is more
important than learning what. I've learned I wish I could have told my
parents that I love them one more time before they died. I've learned it isn't always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad
your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned poems don't have to rhyme. I've learned our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned it takes years to build up
trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned we don't have to change friends
if we understand friends change. I've learned you shouldn't be so eager to
find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned the clothes I like best are the
ones with the most holes in them. I've learned If you can't name it, scrape it
off your pizza. I've learned it's not what you have
in your life but whom you have in your life that counts. I've learned two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally different. I've learned you can learn your lesson, but
you don't always remember it. I've learned a good friend is better
than a therapist. I've learned if your dog doesn't like someone
You probably shouldn't either. I've learned sandwiches cut diagonally taste
better. I've learned there are names that hurt much
more than sticks and stones. I've learned you cannot make someone love
you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned sometimes you have to accept
things you don't understand. I've learned that no matter what the weather
channel says, if you wash your car it WILL rain. I've learned to believe in prayer. I've learned to expect the unexpected. I've learned everything looks different
through tears. I've learned the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned the path you're on looks
different when you turn around. I've learned if you are in a relationship
with someone who doesn't believe in you, you should get out before you stop
believing in yourself. I've learned no matter how old or how
experienced you are, you can always learn something from a child. I've learned no matter how beautiful your
makeup is, it can't hide the expression of a sad heart. I've learned wearing a halo can give you a
headache after a while. I've learned no matter how closely I follow
her recipe, my cooking never tastes as good as my mom's. I've learned you shouldn't leave your fork on
your plate when you reheat your food in the microwave. I've learned no one ever drinks the last drop
of anything in a container they would have to wash or refill. I've learned not everyone can be silly. Some
people just don't know how. I've learned the best way to learn something
is to teach it to someone else. I've learned one of the best things I
can give a hurting friend is my presence, not my words. I've learned sometimes a P.S. to a letter
contains the most important message of all. I've learned rainy Sundays are great for
snuggling, reading, napping, and listening to Classical music. But not
necessarily in that order. I've learned picking out a Halloween pumpkin is fun at any age. I've learned in this world, you don't need a multitude of friends. All you need is one who will stand by you through thick and thin. I've learned you should never change everything in your life at once. Keep something the same just for the stability so that it's easier to remember who you are. I've learned that nothing beats the taste of a piece of your own homemade fresh bread from the oven, slathered with melted butter. well, maybe Chocolate! I've learned opportunities are never lost; Someone will take the one you miss. I've learned every drop of rain adds to the ocean. I've learned the fire of a past love will always burn with a small flame. I've learned the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned the bad guy doesn't always wear a black hat. I've learned the end isn't always where it should be. I've learned people always underestimate my ability, but one thing they should never underestimate is the drive behind my ability. I've learned the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I'VE LEARNED That no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I'VE LEARNED That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I'VE LEARNED That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I'VE LEARNED That it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, and standing up for what you believe. I'VE LEARNED That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I'VE LEARNED That either you control your attitude, or it controls you. I'VE LEARNED That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I'VE LEARNED That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
1000 Marbles
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On this page, I will post the most inspirational material I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. Life can be darn tough sometimes and every now and then you might need a little happiness booster. I'm hoping this page may accomplish that. After you read a few of these, you can push back from your keyboard, throw your arms in the air, wave them back and forth and scream "I'm glad to be alive!" If this happens to you, please send pictures and I'll post them here!
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Feedback for me? Suggestions for site improvements? Funny jokes, audio files, video files that I can post here? Links to inspirational sites? Naked pictures of yourself or your girlfriend? Email me at mailto:shortarmguy@aol.com Copyright © 2007 by Swank! Productions --- All rights reserved
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