Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email firstname.lastname@example.org the best stuff you get. I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
January 29, 2004
You knew the Packers Bashing from last week would have to follow up with some Vikings Bashing this week!
I want an albino bear cub!! Buy me one, Daddy!!
Where's that Hare? I'll Crush Him!
I'm guessing Heaven looks a lot like this...
He was the bravest deer we ever knew...
Ummmm, about that shipment we're waiting for. It might be slightly delayed...
Farrah, I'm afraid the plastic surgery isn't working any more...time to be ugly like the rest of us!
Haggard and dehydrated survivors of Asia's tsunami catastrophe are found floating in the ocean as far out as 100 miles! Pictured here is a woman who managed to survive without any debris or flotation devices for days. How she managed is still baffling officials.
Nice Email Of The Week
I noticed that you had a bit about Mitchell O'Brien's pub a while ago. Doug O'Brien is a good friend of mine and it's unfortunate that the pub has had to close now. Apart from my day job (details below) I also own a pub in Detroit called the Che-Vele sports bar. It's actually on Ryan road just south of 13 mile road, next to Walgreen's.
It's not a very big place, the capacity is around 150 but it's very friendly and has a "Cheers" type of environment with some of the regulars still coming in after 40 years!
My business partner and co-owner is Bryan Morgan, he
comes from Wales and I come from Scotland. We've both been in the states for
10 years now.
January 22, 2004
There Was A Lot Of Packer Bashing This Week In Vikings Land!
Only in Minnesota!
On Friday, New Year's Eve, my wife Bridget and I were headed to my parents Cabin near Perham, Minnesota. We came upon this accident on the east bound lane of Hwy. 10 just east of Frazee about 4 miles. I stopped and helped the girl out of the the car while my wife called 911. The people driving the truck were almost in shock when they finally figured out what had happened. The girl in the car said, "I was only going 77mph." I talked to the guy driving the pick-up and he was going 35mph. Thankfully and unbelievably no one was hurt.
What XRAY Techs Do When They're Bored!
Phuket Deep Sea Creatures - Found At Seaside
As everyone knows, the tsunami in Southeast Asia was devastating both in the loss of life and economically to the region. However now that the clean up is underway in the region, deep sea creatures that live too deep to be studied are being found scattered throughout the wreckage. These creatures were washed up on shore when the waves hit.
Amazing what lives so far below the surface isn't it? It is ironic how terrible human tragedy and natural disaster can lead to unprecedented expansion of scientific knowledge.
The theory is the tsunami created enough vertical currents to sweep these deep living creatures to the surface quickly. The gases in their blood expanded rapidly causing death (like divers ascending too quickly).
So after I totally believe that the above creatures were really caught after the tsunami, Snopes bursts the bubble again. Turns out these are real deep sea creatures, but they weren't found after the tsunami!! Read more details here.
January 15, 2005
Gimme That Fish!
Busty Mouse Pads
I talked with my Vet, Dr Harvey Aluni,
in Virginia, MN.
His opinion is the deer most
likely was suffering from "subcutaneous emphysema". This
anomaly was likely due to an arrow piercing the hide, the skin and
the paunch, but not lethally. The external arrow wound
scabbed over or was plugged by tallow. The internal wound allowed
methane and carbon dioxide to escape the paunch and abdomen
(stomach cavity) and enter the subcutaneous space between the hide and body
cavity. This gas is continuously produced by the digestive system and
normally passed out of the body. With a "leak" in the system
the gas follows the path of least resistance, filling the void between
skin and body and producing a buck of Mt Olympia proportions.
He thought the buck would (eventually) die a slow death.
You did it a favor. He
did not recommend eating it, either. He
said the cases he's seen in dogs have been when the lungs or
windpipe is severed and the skin "crackled" when the fur was
petted from the air in the fat layer. Did you notice this? Please
send the pictures if you would. I would like to see if any
other biologists have seen this anomaly before.
Area Wildlife Manager
14 tags, 3 days, 1 square mile
A co-worker's customer sent this but did not know these guys... it was forwarded to him by a friend. Although he doesn't know if slaughtering that many big bucks in one area is the best thing to do...it just goes to show what Iowa has to offer in the world of deer hunting. He believes the email said that all the bucks were taken in a half mile of the farm house in the background in Allamakee county. Holy cow. Or Holy Buck would probably be more appropriate!
Just not a good day to be a deer...
Honey, I swear I never touched her!
A man pulling an ice fishing house got a rude awakening early Friday afternoon when a woman drove right through his fish house and into his pickup box. According to the State Highway Patrol, the woman was talking on a cell phone which distracted her while driving. The accident occurred about a mile east of Frazee, Minn., on U.S.Highway 10. No other information was available. Gale Kaas / Frazee Forum
The Christian Thing To Do
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband-"It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "NO, I didn't-it's three in the morning and raining out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.
"Hello-are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk
January 8, 2005
Hey, kids!! Check out the beautiful lights on this house....Ummmm, on second thought...stare down at your shoes while I drive quickly away.
Here's Some Money Just For Creativity!!
If You Had A Drink Holder Glued To Your Head, You'd Be Perfect!
Why It's Not A Good Idea To Release Birds At Your Wedding!
I've Humped Legs Before, But Never A Boat!
Uhhhh, Pastor. We Might Want To Change The Sign...
A Full Service Bar
You gotta love it when your neighbors take an interest in you!!!
Crazy Email Archives
|The Legend of ShortArmGuy|
|ShortArmGuy's Comedy Act|
|ShortArmGuy's Multimedia Bits|
|ShortArmGuy's Enemies List|
|ShortArmGuy's Crazy Emails|
|ShortArmGuy's Favorite Websites|
Feedback for me?
Suggestions for site improvements?
Funny jokes, audio files, video files that I can post here?
Links to inspirational sites?
Naked pictures of yourself or your girlfriend?
Email me at email@example.com.
Copyright © 2005 by Swank! Productions --- All rights reserved