Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email firstname.lastname@example.org the best stuff you get. I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
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October 30, 2005
New Vikings Stadium
Daunte Shows Some Team Spirit shortly before the infamous boat ride!
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.
But you Can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Hurricane Survival Kit
Toilet Paper........................................ check
Bud Light........................................... check
Keystone Ice........................................ check
Red Dog............................................. check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol...................... check
Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on... check
Health officials say that Barbie has contracted the virulent H5N1 strain of avian influenza. This is the first time that the flu has migrated from birds to a doll. Doctors are conducting tests to understand how the strain was transmitted.
Why it's important to learn English!
Nice Email Of The Week
A great outfit to scare the crap out of trick or treaters!
The most unpleasant Pumpkin Patch in town!
October 23, 2005
Al & Alma's New Web Site
Shortarmguy's Dark Side
These 'Camel Toads' Sound Pretty Scary!
The Bridge Over Troubled Water
Remind me not to eat at this guy's house...
Seconds later, Max no longer needed to keep his appointment to be neutered.
King's Mansion's Business went through the roof once they implemented the new marketing plan.
Honey, Slow Down!!
What do I do???
Well, we were going to get Barney for our children's party, but these guys might be a better deal.
October 16, 2005
This guy can run with Shortarmguy any time!
I've actually posted this photo before, but I received it again this week from a nice guy named Ron who works for Halliburton in Al Asad, Iraq. I thought that was cool enough to justify posting it again! Plus, it's pretty dang funny!
If only the Chicago Bears could be this determined...
Gator vs Python.....ends in a tie with two losers!
Plane 1 Pelican 0
From William and Looterguy.com
If only this guy would have paid attention to the warning sign...
October 10, 2005
And the Katrina Emails Just Keep Coming
It has always been my policy to try to avoid controversial matters, but on occasion a great American hero steps forward and is deserving of recognition above and beyond the call of duty. We are a country in deep mourning at the moment, and I believe when someone steps forward and places their own safety before all other concerns, it is without question deserving of extraordinary recognition. At a minimum, I sincerely believe that Senator Kennedy is deserving of the Congressional Gold Medal for his uniquely high level of volunteerism and sacrifice.
Shocked by the widespread suffering of those displaced from their homes by the flooding in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina, Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.) volunteered to plug one of the holes in the Lake Pontchartrain levee.
"The Bush Administration has failed to stem the tide of this cataclysm," said Kennedy. "Having had some experience with aquatic mishaps, that experience will bolster me in this hour of desperation as I plug one of the leaks myself."
President Bush praised Senator Kennedy's decision. "I think it's mighty big of him to offer so much for the good of the country," said Bush. "There aren't many who could fill such a large role in this disaster."
President Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French
President Bush and a giddy
Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal.
BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.
"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Chirac, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."
The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.
"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."
The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.
"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"
However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.
"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."
"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."
The money gained from 'The Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.
The first restaurant to re-open in New Orleans
Donald Rumsfeld is
giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
As the President sits, head in hands, his staff quietly watches this display of emotion.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
APPLETON, WI (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Appleton, WI courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Green Bay Packers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Greatest Halloween Costume Ever!
October 2, 2005
And the Katrina Emails just keep coming...
Bush calling the shots on Rita Preparation
This actual Wind Chart of Hurricane Rita shows how bad these storms want to screw Florida and the Gulf Coast.
Don't fret it, man. It's probably the best thing that will ever happen to you.
I'm cheating off her!!
$5.00 worth of gas
I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The guy farted, took my five, and walked away.
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