Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get.  I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

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November 27, 2005

The perfect Elk Hunting Vehicle!

Only seconds after this photo was taken, little Jack received his first permanent scar.

No matter how hard she tried, Katrina never felt like she fit in with the other girls.

So now mom and sister Sue have been banned from Disney World for life!

This guy apparently wasn't very excited for 4 more years of Bush.

Yes.  I can hear you now.

I couldn't think of anything funny to say about this photo of the latest cover of GQ magazine. 

As a matter of fact, I find it really difficult to type anything while studying this picture.

All right, I have the first part done.  Now who am I supposed to tackle?

After Joe's Thrift Store added this new sign, Parents never left their children alone again.

Nice Email Of The Week

i have been a faithful reader of your site for about 2.5 years, so I always want to send some stuff in but have not yet so I figured it was about freakin' time to:
 
a guy I know was at the grocery store and this hot blonde notice him and smiles and waves at him he is taken aback by this so he goes over and says do you know me to which she replies "yes, I believe you are the father of one of my children"
 
he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table while my buddies watched and you whipped my ass with a wet celery stick and your partner shoved a carrot up my ass"
 
very uncomfortably she replies "no I'm your sons math teacher"
 
oooh!
 
 from Steve your favorite northern Michigan web-site watcher you rock shortarmguy

Joke Of The Week

THE HEN

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. 

All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied,  "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!  Are you saying I'm dead?  I don't want to die!  I'm too young," said Tom.  "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter.  "You can only return as a dog or a hen.  The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.  Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.  But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed.  And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.  

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed"!

 

Madonna is still Hotter Than A Burning Ember!  Check out her new CD!!

November 20, 2005

Best Kid's Halloween Costumes of 2005

The Deer Hunter's Christmas Decoration

The Deer Hunter's Wet Dream

Shortarmguy's Co-worker, Sean, displays his score vs the Deer!

Tiger's Yacht

Those sexy Democrats!

Cat Tennis

How To Help Your Favorite Team Get A Home Run!

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.  If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1.  High fever
2.  Congestion
3.  Nausea
4.  Fatigue
5.  Aching in the joints
6.  An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

Is it just me, or does anyone else think that the hype about Bird Flu may be a little much.  Michael Crichton wrote a great book about this phenomenon where he theorizes that there is a mass conspiracy of politicians, the media and scientists to keep the masses in a constant State of Fear.  His rationale for them doing this basically comes down to power and money.  The scientists develop a theory of a nightmare scenario.  The media helps promote the fear because it keeps people buying their newspapers and magazines.  The politicians jump in to be the heroes and come to society's rescue by throwing tons of money at the scientists who rang the alarm bell in the first place.  In the book he talks about Global Warming, but I think it could easily apply to this "potential avian pandemic" as well.

If you're into conspiracy theories, you should really check out the book, because it's a very interesting read!  Here's a link to Amazon where you can buy a new or used copy for cheap! 

 

Ummmmm....no thanks.  Suddenly, I don't feel very hungry!

Nice Email Of The Week

Hey Short Arm Guy!

I absolutely adore your site.  I am on a similar mission for a class here at ithaca, where I am creating a blog displaying a collection of some random doo-dads from around the net to get people to laugh (more specifically for me, help them procrastinate).  I came across your site and am going to put a big fat link to it on my blog.  Additionally I would like to send a story I have come across I think you might get a kick out of:

(If you'd like to read Theo's story, please visit his Blog at: http://procrasturbationonline.blogspot.com It's under Thursday, November 3rd.  Warning: It's a little Raunchy!)

Thanks a lot for providing the internet with some good humor.  Keep it up.

-Theo Moore

November 13, 2005

Best Halloween Costumes of 2005

Best Pumpkins of 2005

BooBees

Scary!  Apparently A Case of Bird Flu has been discovered in Paris!

Florida finally unveils their re-designed quarter!

Talk about Stage Fright!

Canadian Storm Damage

With all the news about weather damage from hurricanes in the USA, typhoons in China, flooding in Switzerland and mud slides in South America, we shouldn't forget that Canada has its share of devastating weather.
Attached is a photo illustrating the savage force of Canadian weather; the damage was caused to a friend's home in North Bay from a recent storm.

It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted.

Take care of yourselves and be safe.

 

Nice Email Of The Week #1

WOW!!! Very  nice update, Todd!! Impressive.

I have always said and still maintain, shortarmguy.com is the best of the web!

 
Anne

Nice Email Of The Week #2

Not really sure how found your site.
Crap, not even sure what I want to say!
Gee, you're an inspiration? I feel better having read your story?
Dunno, but I felt compelled to write. So, I did. Am.
I guess your story touched me. Pretty neat philosophy you have, and thank
you for it. And what you do to people! If MY kids did that....


I'd applaud them. I only hope I can make them as strong as you are.
    - Mark

November 6, 2005

That Hurricane Wilma Sure Was Scary!

Shortarmguy has been trading emails with a nice gentleman named John who lives in England and was searching for the origins of the following photograph which was first posted on this website in June of 2001.

When I asked John why he wanted to know, he responded with this:

"The reason that I was interested is because (I/we) have actually made one. It started out as a joke looking at the original 'spoof' advert and then we said 'bollocks' let's do it. So we got two old iron hack saws, a bit of plastic piping and a stuffed cat. We then had a few beers with a local who happened to have a wonderful workshop who agreed to make the 'Tabby Tote' based on the the graphic. It now exists. Photos to follow.
Apparently I am now a 'sick bastard'. However this depends on your age. The older you are the less sick and the funnier it gets. I had a cracking laugh today walking round the pub with the 'cat' and you would be surprised how many people will not say anything.
Regards
John"

John later sent me this photo of his kids posed with his creation:

Kitchen Magnets For The Modern Day Woman

Ebony and Ivory Live Together In Perfect Harmony!

Look at these green sneakers!  This girl has no fashion sense at all.

Hey Shortarmguy!!  Last week you posted the worst pumpkin picture ever! .....here is a more pleasant one for your lady viewers!! 

Take Care, Denise

Nice Email Of The Week

Todd,
    You have a great website that shows that everybody no matter what they look like are still people too. I am very happy for your family and the great strides and accomplishments that your family has achieved. You also have a lot of great pictures and funny stuff that keeps me and my friends laughing. Thanks for being a great inspiration and keep on giving us all those funny pics.
     Thanks,
Ray Scott Spence II

Nice Email Of The Week #2

Todd,

I am a Short Arm Guy fan.  I don't know how I first came upon your web site, but now I visit it weekly.  I also enjoy your "Dude and the Short Arm Guy" show.  Good stuff.

Your Fan in California,
John

 

Happy Halloween, 2005!

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