Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get.  I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits!

 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

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January 29, 2006

They're selling new T-Shirts on Bourbon Street!

Nice catch!

Screw the riding lawnmower!  I want the flying version!!

Your blind date might not be exactly who you were expecting...and you'd better pick up the check!

So much for anonymity!

Bill didn't seem to worry too much about alienating a certain portion of his customer base...

Modern Day Snowmobile!

Nice Emails Of The Week

 
Hello, Todd,

You should be proud of all you have done. Wow! people from Australia look at your site. Awesome!

Happy New Year!

Mrs. T.

 

I love to read your story page about yourself.........You know you should write a book.....you write very well...Your so correct about when people are trying to make fun of you or teasing you that you have to turn it around back to them .........

I've been having some problems with some gals at work who speak in other languages and they like to talk real loud in our work area and one is extremely loud....and they know they are pissing you off .........So last week one of the real loud ones came over and started talking in their lingo to two other gals.........and there was a big meeting going on with all the bosses...and everyone else in other departments were working.........  Well I was burning up lol,,,,,and I thought well I got this phone here with a page button....hehehe......so I grabbed the mouth piece and put in on top of the desk about 3 ft from the gals ....they did not see it , and then I pushed the page button .............left it on for a good 10 minutes..........I could here the department next to us laughing , they understood they lingo.............No one told them until about 30 minutes later.........
 We had peace and quiet for the rest of the day..........So yes its things like that going along with it and making a joke out of it that make the situation more fun , instead of sitting there getting angry and mad.........I am one up on them and I am sure I can figure out many other ways to stay ahead of annoying people like that.........I used to be good at that.....don't know what got me to let people walk all over me lately, once they know they can they don't stop............ So in reading your story about yourself has inspired me to go back to work Monday morning with a few good things up my sleeve ,,,,,,,,,,should be fun since they wont expect it hehehehe........Jo

Joke Of The Week

From my good friend, Melissa:

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens.

 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring in pillows ! from the bedding department.

 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, &and pick your nose.

 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

 12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

 13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say PICK ME!

 14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!! And; last, but not least!

 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

January 22, 2005

I thought this was kind of neat....maybe some day I'll figure out how to get up there for real!

The Original Happy Meal

I finally see why some people are so afraid of Bush!

This is an actual photo of the Hurricane Katrina Storm Surge!  Pretty Scary!!

I received this from Sojan in Dubai.  I love his stuff!

These are from Larry Hanson's Buddy Doug.  They accidentally sank their $160,000 trail groomer in a swamp!

I'm guessing the blonde cheerleader doesn't know as much about football as she thinks she does!

The start to a very bad day...

Nice Emails Of The Week

G'day Todd,

Hows it goin? I found your site while looking for funny photos, and google landed me on your site! Upon further browsing, I checked out your bio and your stand up act (funny shit!), haha. Good shit, I especially loved the "silver cross" incident in your bio!! Hahah, that would've been tops to watch - I love it when the tables get suddenly and fatefully turned!!!!

You must get some seriously weird e-mails, hahaha.

Have a good one mate, and thanks for the laugh!

Brook

(Sydney, Australia)


Just wanted to let you know that I stumbled across your site one day while I was extremely bored, and I have been hooked ever since.  I come back often to check for updates and new funny stuff.  Keep up the great work!!!

Thanks

Tom Lawrence

Please put me on your list. You have a dynamite thing going here.
Rick

Dear Shortarmguy
me and my mate and my mate had just finished school for the holiday and we felt like havin a laugh
so we made this vid we hope you like it
ps i would be cool if it was on your web site
thanks
ryan

    Here you go, Ryan!

 

Joke Of The Week

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator responded,

"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the two moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother".
 

 

January 15, 2006

Hi
 
I guess you don't see anything funny in this picture. But I do. The numberplate is written in hungarian (Hungary, the country, where I live) and in english, it says: F**K YOU!!! :)
 
Take care!

It's Nice To See That Former Minnesota Vikings Coach Mike Tice has already found a new job!

Never Fart In A Wet Suit!

I guess CarrotTop is sick of getting crap about his hair!

Somebody sent me a whole bunch of Bush Bashing Pictures!

Karl Rove Arrest Photo

There was some democrat bashing in there as well...

Nice Emails Of The Week

I was just browsing the internet and found your site!

It's awesome how you've collected all these great pics and jokes, I'll never be bored again!

from claire, australia.

 

Oh my goodness, this is one of the funniest web site I've ever saw please send me all of your archived email so that I may continue to laugh and show my friends thanks and keep em coming in 2006

Ty :-)

And of course the nicest email I received was a $20 donation from Shortarmguy's Good Friend, Shirley in Florida!

That will help pay the $250.00 Bill I just received from the Host of this website!

Thanks, Shirley!!

Joke Of The Week

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.  One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
             
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick 

Opportunity Of The Week

Attention Artists and Creative Types! 

The Shortarmguy Store needs some new designs.  If you submit a new design that is good for the store, I will compensate you for your efforts.  I'd like the design to capture the spirit of Shortarmguy.com.  Feel free to use any pictures that you find of me on the site or contact me at shortarmguy@aol.com for more details.

If you'd like to create your own store, visit CafePress.com for details.

 

 

 

 

 

January 8, 2006

Why you don't want to be the first one to pass out on New Year's Eve!

Santa was pretty excited to finally get a chance to take some time off from work!

And so Paul prepared for his daily ritual Shaving Snowzilla's Snowballs

Kangaroo Snack

Even though the Boss said there was a two drink limit at the company picnic, people still seemed to have a pretty good time!

For some reason, Darrell had difficulty starting to go pee.

Condi tries the same intimidation tactic on some of her favorite Democratic Senators

What do the bathroom people have against me?

The Bird Flu Bomber

Don't Duck with us you Little Pussy!

 

Nice Email Of The Week

by the way your web site this week is the best I have ever seen you do!!!!!!!!!!

Keep it up and we will get you nominated for the Top 100 web sites ok?

 
I am serious.
 
Anne

Joke Of The Week

A guy goes into the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes", he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points towards employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar shell exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."
 

 

January 1 ,2006

The Christmas Yet To Come!

A Minnesota Entrepreneur

Snowdrunk

The Snowman Killer

All right.  I'm scared.

Me too!

It's time to discuss this Dry Dog Food Crap you've been feeding me!

Truth in advertising!

Hey.....where's his handicapped parking sticker?!?!

When the man at the auto repair shop told me that it would cost $1400 to fix my car's air conditioning, I just laughed at him and said, "Heck, I can fix it myself for a whole lot less than that!"   MY MOMMA DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL !!!!!!!

Nice Email Of The Week

This is my first contribution to your cool site.  My husband and I enjoy your posts.  Keep up the laughs!!

Kelli

  
http://utterlyboring.com/archives/2005/11/22/thats_one_kille.php

Joke Of The Week

A postal worker was sorting mail a week before Christmas when he came across a letter addressed to God. Since it would be destroyed he decided to open the letter and read it.

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.  It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna

Cool Product Of The Week

Sadly, Santa didn't bring me one, but I sure still want that Video IPOD!

 

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Crazy Email Archives

December, 2005

November, 2005

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