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Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
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March 26, 2006
Evidently, A Really Good Deer Decoy
The Freakiest Beach In The World!
This is the St Marteen Airport in the French West Indies.
It takes a lot of balls to wear shorts like these....or maybe the opposite!
I've heard of lines in the sand, but this is ridiculous!
This lady who lives just on the outskirts of
Joke Of The Week
ONE-POINT DARES1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in toilet cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the toilet at the same time).
3) Ignore the first 5 people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name & say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears & grimace.
6) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
7) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
8) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
9) Say to your boss, "I like your style" & shoot him with double barreled fingers.
10) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
11) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
12) Kneel in front of the water cooler & drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
13) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
14) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
15) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
16) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
17) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
18) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report is on your desk, mon". Keep this up for 1 hour.
19) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
20) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly & mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
21) At lunchtime, get down on your knees & announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
22) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
23) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague & ask "You wanna trade?"
24) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
25) Come to work in army fatigues & when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
26) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague & tell him he's won a lunch for 4 at a local restaurant. Let him go.
27) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
28) Find the vacuum & start vacuuming around your desk.
Nice Emails Of The Week
This is an email from my high school buddy, Tommy Barlas. He recently played in the Bay 101 shooting stars tournament in San Jose, California:
Yo Short Arm Guy
Me, Dave and Ben
Thought that we would do are take on the numa muma people
Hope you like
Ryan
March 19, 2006
More Billboards That Didn't Quite Make It!
More Children's Books That Didn't Quite Make It!
Joke Of The Week
One night, at the lodge of a
hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown
around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair
by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories
you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa.
We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth
day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my
gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I
was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my
gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like
this: RRROOAAARRR!!!
..........I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I
would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, no... not back then, just now,
when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
Nice Emails Of The Week
After hearing about the racecar Shortarmguy is sponsoring in Shakopee Minnesota, my high school buddy is adding Shortarmguy to the car he races in Mason City, Iowa! Do I detect a trend? NASCAR, here comes the Crazy Cripple!
Yo Shortarmguy!
I felt in the mood into a bit of magic on my computer. So i did this funny
video of me disappearing. I laughed and hope u do!
Dave, friend with ryan, england
PS. Please put it on the web, would make me popular wiv my friends!!
March 12, 2006
How Not To Do A Robbery...
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
Wishes Do Come True!
I hate when this happens.
One of my dreams in life is to see a Great White Shark in person. But there's no way I'm leaning over the side of the boat like this!
Rest In Peace, Barney!
Joke Of The Week
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks
the students, one by one
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room," she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners.
I would say:
"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.
Nice Emails Of The Week
***After this email, I traded several more with Rob and found out that he is a very talented web developer behind a bunch of cool sites including www.batmanandrob.com. He told me he was a long-time fan of shortarmguy.com which he discovered years ago after I linked to one of his websites called www.americatriumphant.com. I'm hoping Rob will send more of his incredible creations!
I had an interesting exchange with my friend, Anne. I'm hoping she won't get upset that I post it here, but I enjoyed her response so much I thought It was my nicest email of the week!
She forwarded me this email:
On the 11 am news! chip implants for humans!! computer chip implants!! how long have we been watching for this?! I was horrified a few years ago when they were implanting in animals! does this make anyone else nervous?? how easily this could turn into the 666 that can keep up with anyone , anywhere, anytime... and you could not buy or sell without the chip! watch for more of this on he news!! ordered off the internet... and implanted into your left hand!!
I responded with the following:
Interesting theory....then again, if the prophesies in the bible are true and
this is the mark of the beast that is supposed to happen before end
times....this would mean Jesus would be coming back to Earth soon. Wouldn't
that be considered a good thing? Wouldn't we welcome the things that are
foretold in Revelations? I've never understood the reason to panic at the
potential of stuff like this...it seems to me that true followers of Jesus
should be anxious for the 2nd Coming?
Or am I missing something there??
This was her response:
Ryan and Dave from England sent another fun video to Shortarmguy.com.
This time, it's their tribute to the Great Benny Hill
March 5, 2006
Bad Night At The Bar
For some reason, I just don't feel right eating these peppers!
Bush has taken up a new strategy for deflecting criticism of his policies.
I don't know....maybe we've taken this body modification stuff a bit too far...
More Banned Children's Toys
Nice Emails Of The Week
I consider myself a spiritual guy and I will pray for your Dad. My brother has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and he will be getting radiation soon.
I pray if it comes down to it, I will be a match for your Dad if he needs a marrow transplant; I’ve been on the donor list since 1995 and still waiting for the call. Love your website and its helped me pass the time while I wait for back surgery some time soon I hope.
Bryan W
Mesquite, Texas
Dear Short Arm Guy
Joke Of The Week
"Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the county bury her."
Help Support Shortarmguy.com!!
Crazy Email Archives
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Email me at shortarmguy@aol.com.
Copyright © 2006 by Swank! Productions --- All rights reserved