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Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
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July 30, 2006
Rainy Lake Northern - 54 inches, 44 pounds
I hate when I have to use one of these bathrooms where you have to go by size!
Wow! Look at that giant woodpecker!!
Glad there's no category for Shortarmguy!
You don't see this very often!
The Best Toilet In The Whole Wide World!
Honey! I think we pissed off the chimney sweep again!
Prepared!
I love this one!
Heyyyy....wrong guy!
Joke Of The Week
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and
keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee,
Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an
alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People
should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings
and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly bird
feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like
pepper spray.
Nice Email Of The Week
July 23, 2006
Apparently this little fawn stumbled across these horses and confused them with it's mother.
Supposedly the fawn was reunited with it's mother when the horses left.
At least I think that's a better ending than the horse accidentally stepped on the deer and crushed it.
Lufthansa 747-400 and a United 757-200
were on simultaneous approaches to runways 28L and 28R at San Francisco (SFO).
The separation requirement for flying parallel and simultaneous approaches is
225 meters (about 750 feet).
These two aircraft are at a safe distance for the approaches they are each
flying.
Due to the 747 being three times larger than the 757, and being slightly behind, it gives this incredible optical illusion.
Note to self. Wear pajamas to bed!
Redneck Weiner Roaster
Rides to school have been so much more fun since the new driver started!
Wash the dang van!
Apparently these mirrors are Wal-Mart's Best Seller!
The dog has just been so happy since we started our new Friday night ritual.
Nice Email Of The Week
yo, short arm guy!
I LOVE YOUR SITE, BRO!
you're a badass. period.
just wanted to let you know I linked you to a thread on
PEREZHILTON.COM that has received over 150,000 hits since late night
Monday. you are FEATURED on page #6 I believe. A few times actually.
I would expect your myspace and youtube accounts to have a few new
visitors in the next few days.
I LOVE YOUR SITE and I think you're cool.
http://perezhilton.com/boardroom/viewtopic.php?t=2637
let me know what you think!
RESPECT!!!
dinkyfats
This comment was left on the Shortarmguy MySpace Page:
Hi Todd!
Came across you this morning Googling some random thing like "tan" and got the
picture of the leatherette Grandma!
Man, I wouldn't even want a handbag made out of that!
Quite frankly
your website and your story of your family and the immense bravery of Avery and
Lukie moved me.
What extraordinary, strong and amazing people you are. Your message has
definitely hit home here with me, consider me a Shortarmguy Fan!
Much love to you and your family from across the pond.
Steph x
Joke Of The Week
July 16, 2006
Ummmmm.....suddenly I don't feel like having hot dogs.
Ummmmm.....suddenly I don't feel like having any milk.
You really need to learn how to express yourself...
What's Troubling Our Nation's Homeless?
Gas is just getting too expensive!
I think these construction workers have been out in the heat just a bit too long...
Boy have you come to the right place!
Wow...I wonder if my health insurance is going to cover this!
Well, we thought these stores would go good together. Bad call.
Uhhhhh, Paris.....you may want to endorse a different product!
Nice Email Of The Week
Hey, Todd,
That big bird on your website is a Blue Heron. We have a pair that frequent our backyard looking for sun fish along the shore. Let me tell ya, they leave the BIGGEST mess if you know what I mean. But, they have a huge wingspan and are awesome to watch fly. Here’s a wiki link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Blue_Heron
Take care,
Ron S
Joke Of The Week
A guy is
driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is
in the backyard.
The guy
goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered
that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no
time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was
one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I
knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to
do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded
a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks
the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that
shit."
July 9, 2006
I hope you kids found a good way to entertain yourselves while mommy was on the phone.....oh......
Honest Advertising
Incredible Images
Wasn't it just a couple of weeks ago that Britney was crying on
TV how she didn't want so many invasions into her private life?
This seems like a good way to combat that kind of a problem!
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Joke Of The Week
After I retired, I could really spend some time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait &Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago we had the best
fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever
seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I
took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed
the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she
says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!!
And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit
fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks, A fisherman
PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught!
July 2, 2006
Why Dogs Attack Their Owners
New Poster Hanging At The Border
The secret ingredient powering Intel's Upcoming High Power CPU
No, I don't think his jeans are too tight. Why do you ask?
I'd be scared to death fishing for these things!
Joke Of The Week
The Confessional
An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino, went to the
local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man aid, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my
attic."
The priest replied, "That was a heroic
thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both committing sin. However, two
people under those circumstances can be very tempted. But, if you are truly
sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one
more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Crazy Email Archives
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Email me at shortarmguy@aol.com.
Copyright © 2006 by Swank! Productions --- All rights reserved