Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get.  I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

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September 24, 2006

Anyone want some Barbequed Bear?

What a nice man!!

More Banned Children's Books

This looks safe!

These are the actual remains of a 10,000 year old liberal  recently unearthed.

(Source: National Geographic, August 2006)

Holy gator:  This Wisconsin-based alligator has God on his side literally.

Speaking about the markings, local pastor Rev Philip Wilde said: 'It's there because God wanted it that way.'

Joke of the Week

On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing.  I hope you can forgive me."

 

His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone.  What we have now is far more valuable.  I forgive you."

 

They embraced and kissed.

 

On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me of your affair.  Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also.  Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you.  I hope you can forgive me"

 

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit!  He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.  He screamed and ranted, "You liar!  You cheat!  You despicable deceiver!  How could you?  I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"

 

Some things are sacred.

 

Nice Emails Of The Week

This is one of the better emails I've received lately!

Omg I think I'm in love with you!!!

Hey shortarmguy,
        I'm a College Freshman and I wandered upon your when I saw your "pig woman" in an image Google search engine.  Before I knew it I had spent about 3 hours on your sight.  Your so cool.  Funny too.  It's too bad your married and stuck with kids.  Still, I want to send you my photo.  I may be used for retouched photos but I'll take my chances.  Go ahead put a beard on me.  Go wild. ;)

I just wanted to know that you officially have a groupie.

My name is Luigi, I'm writing from Caracas-Venezuela. Congratulations for you and your team. This web site is really funny and original I discovered it recently. Every morning at work is my first web visit.

Thanks a lot!

Hey Todd.

I've been visiting your site on and off for about 2 years and it never fails to make me howl.    Most of the funny pics are saved on my computer and are sent to all my mates (buddies).  My son has learned all he needs to know in life from looking here too (he's 14!)   As you can probably tell, I'm English but I don't talk like the Queen or Tony Blair.
Anyway, I make handmade fudge, truffles and cakes.  Recently sales have slowed and I have had to go out and get a real job which I hate!  So make me a happy man.

If you give me a bit of free blatant advertising, I will make a 10 percent donation to a charity OF YOUR CHOICE for every sale generated.

My website is www.fudgeheaven.co.uk

Keep up the good work.

Cheers
GAZ

www.fudgeheaven.co.uk
go on click it, you know you want to...

I've been a fan of your site and thought I'd share this picture I took with my phone. The road was pretty rough.

RICK CASTILLO

 

September 17, 2006

I received many emails paying tribute to the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin.  He was really a Great Man!

Here's a nice tribute video here!

I'd heard that there was film footage of the actual incident causing his death, so I figured it would pop up on the internet soon.

And sure enough, this arrived in my inbox the other day.

I supposed it's possible this is a result of photo editing software, but it looks pretty realistic to me.

You be the judge:

The same contributor that sent the above photo also sent the following joke:

Why did they remove Steve Irwin's new sunscreen off of department store shelves?

It didn't protect against harmful rays.

Tasteless.  But funny.

Redneck Windows

I don't think most Minnesota Vikings fans were too disappointed that Daunte lost his first game with the Dolphins.

For the man who has everything....

The United Sates influence on Iraqi Culture just continues to grow....

 

The airliner preparing for takeoff, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.

 Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We  no
longer call it the cock pit."

"It's the Box office."

Joke of the Week

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.  I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.  She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.  I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other  shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour
late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.  She sent Lars to find me, then, as  punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch.  If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today.  Just  hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
root canal or a vasectomy.

 

Nice Email Of The Week

Okay, Todd, happy Labor Day!

No.# 1   I think you are the quite the best dad around!!!

No#2   We say anyway, not anyways!  Your English lesson for the day!! Old teachers never die, they just lose their class!!!

Happy Monday!

Mrs T

September 10, 2006

Those terrorists have sunk to a new low.  Roadside bombs, suicide bombers, but this..................this is  just  wrong!!

I think I used to date this girl as well!!

I can't wait to fly again!!!

Painted ceiling in the smoking area.  This might help a person quit!!

Awesome Shopping Bags

I saw this recipe for a lemon breast chicken that looked really good.   I thought I would share it with others who are forced into the kitchen several times a week.

Anyways, here it is:


Ingredients:

1 whole chicken (weight is dependent on how many servings are required)
1 large lemon, cut into halves
sprig of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste

butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer

Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken until it is completely coated.


Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up. This way the juice from the lemon will coat the breast. Season skin of chicken to your preference; place sprig of rosemary into the chicken. Cover and place in oven for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes, depending on size of the bird.

If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken should look like the one in the picture.

Bon Appetit! (see picture below...)


 

Joke of the Week

The IRS proceeded to audit Ralph.  They summonsed him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Ralph showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment.  You explain this by saying you win money gambling.  The IRS doesn't find that believable."
 
"I'm a great gambler!  I can prove it. How about a demonstration?"

"OK, go ahead."

"I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

"No way!  It's a bet."

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.  "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor could tell that Ralph wasn't blind;  so, he took the bet.  Ralph removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realized he had wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.  He started to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into a wastebasket over on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious, now;  but, he looked around, carefully.  He decided there was no way this guy could manage such a stunt.  So, he agreed.

Ralph placed the wastebasket on one side of the desk, climbed up on the other side, stood up, unzipped his pants and strained mightily.  However, he just couldn't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side.  Pretty much, Ralph urinated all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leapt with joy.  He realized he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. 

But, Ralph's attorney moaned and put his head in his hands.

"Are you OK, Counselor?" the auditor asked.

"Not really . . . this morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here, piss all over an IRS official's desk and the auditor would be happy about it."

Nice Email Of The Week

Hey you, whats in your head these days?  Both of the videos on this e-letter were of a violent nature    People getting hurt etc.  Are you feeling particularly grouchy?  A little passive/aggressive lately?  This usually isn't your style, its more like watching Tom Bergeron introducing all those "fall down" & "men get hit in the crotch" type shows that AFV has.
 
Please go back to your "old ways".
 
Sincerely, Anytah
 

Point well taken! 

 
I don't really like the violent ones either....but the way I update my site is every week I go through whatever videos were sent to me and choose what I think the best are from the lot.  Sometimes the pickings are kind of slim and I go the easy way out rather than digging for something better...
 
I will keep your statement in mind, because I definitely prefer the positive, funny videos over the shocking violent ones...and certainly want to keep that impression for the good people who visit my site.
 
I'm going to post your email and my response on my site for everyone to see....hope that's ok with you!
 
Thanks so much for the feedback!
 
Take care!!
 
Shortarmguy

Dare To Be Different!
www.shortarmguy.com

 

I made this a while back... cracked myself up... They have these 'crossing' signs on the San Diego Freeway in California, so I took the liberty of making a new quarter.
 
The second picture is a 'Staples' easy button put to good use.....

Mad Doc

September 3, 2006

Anyone want some salad?

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs...

That's not how you spell peonies!

Fancy Air Conditioning!!

Now that's a smart ad...

Someone tell King Kong to leave his ball at home!

Coming in 2008!

Joke of the Week

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN TEXAS

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back."

 

Nice Email Of The Week

It's a shame that a family of zoo-kept Meerkats have to die because of one jackass 9 year old girl who knows better than to do what she did and a couple of adults who couldn't parent their way out of a wet paper bag.  Thanks for sharing a story that I wouldn't have heard otherwise if not having seen it on your website.  GO MEERKATS!!!!
 
Derek  

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