Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get.  I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

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October 29, 2006

Reasons To Appreciate Your Car

To my darling husband

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

Best Advice I've Heard

From the expansive mind of Jim Kerr

Man of the Year 2006

Joke of the Week

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A U of M Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

"Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

Nice Emails Of The Week

"Dick Sprinkle Showers"

These were taken while I was going to my sisters house in Lancaster Ca a few years back...

If that's any indication of how hot the desert weather was going to be I should of stayed home.

Richard  "Mad Doc"  Torres

 

October 21, 2006

Why you never want to kiss a monkey!

Not sure why someone would create something called "Buddha made out of pills" but I thought the photos were interesting!

No way that you can look at these two pictures without smiling.  No way.

It's that time of year again!!

This elk was shot in the Bitterroot area in the mountains between Idaho and Montana. It was killed with a bow and is the largest elk ever taken with any weapon. Obviously
non-typical classification.  Outside spread is over 74 inches.

New Halloween Pumpkins

Joke of the Week

Damn ,  Some folks have no sense of humor. 

I get to work this morning after being off  Monday ... and this girl comes up to me all smiley and sh*t  and tells me there was a   'new ' holiday coming up...

"Oh really?" I replied...

She says "Yea, it's 'Mother-in-law' Day"

I asked if it was "Open-Season or do I need a permit?"

Well, at least I thought it was funny....

Richard  "Mad Doc"  Torres

Nice Emails Of The Week

Hi Todd,  Just want you to know that today, on channel 8 out of Tampa, one of the programs was celebrating SQUIRREL DAY.  I think I'm going to send them the picture of your albino squirrel --- if I can figure out how to do it.  It's beautiful.  I never saw one before.  But I'm also sending you this Florida squirrel picture.  You undoubtedly have seen it before  and I have had it on my computer for ages but I can't bring myself to delete it. 

Your friend, Shirley

October 14, 2006

Who farted?

It would seem that someone within the "royal ranks" passed wind whilst on the balcony much to the amusement of all.

Notice HM the Queen's face in the first two photo's, then look at her final expression in picture three.

How guilty does HRH the Duke of Edinburgh look?

Pig Hunting

Fun with Paper

Beauty of Math

 1 x 8 + 1 = 9
 12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
 1 x 9 + 2 = 11
 12 x 9 + 3 = 111
 123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
 1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
 12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
 123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
 1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
 12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
 123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
 
 9 x 9 + 7 = 88
 98 x 9 + 6 = 888
 987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
 9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
 98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
 987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
 9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
 98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
 
 Brilliant, isn't it?
 And finally, take a look at this symmetry:
 
 1 x 1 = 1
 11 x 11 = 121
 111 x 111 = 12321
 1111 x 1111 = 1234321
 11111 x 11111 = 123454321
 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
 1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
 11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
 111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321

 

Joke of the Week

I dialed a number and got the following recording:  

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.  I am making some changes in my life.  Please leave a message after the beep.  If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

 

Nice Emails Of The Week

I have never written to you but LOVE your site. 

I have a stressful life lately and can always laugh when I visit.  Thank you. 

Maybe you have already seen the Snapalopes, but I think the commercials are HYSTERICAL!!

http://www.shaa.com/index.html 

Click on "Hunts" to see the commercials. 

Thanks for the humor,

Susan

Hey Shortarmguy,

Thanks for putting my e-mail up. I figure you got quite a few about that. I
like how you put the e-mail that made you think the most at the bottom of
the page, it's kinda like the "Now you know and knowing is half the battle"
thing at the end of G.I. Joe.

In a very similar way, you are similar to the Hoyts. You don't let your
handicap get you down. I remember from your short bio about how you used
your hand to make friends in school. I hope your boys turn out the same way,
and don't let anything bring them down.

2 more things:

1) If I get an extra million sometime, you're hired.

2) I hope your Christmas doesn't get ruined this year, but I think the DVD
player fad is leaving. One question--was that really on the news? I spent 2
hours in Wal-mart yesterday waiting to get my nephew one of the new Elmo
T.M.X. toys, so I'm slowly learning about the holiday shopping stuff.

Thanks for being such a cool guy,
Phil

 

 

October 8, 2006

Sad news!  We lost a huge celebrity to the latest e coli outbreak!

This could be a hot new accessory for outdoor toilets!

But what do I need to do to get a free burger?

I'm not sure a cookie is going to be enough...

Now how did this happen?

A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in an upscale neighborhood.  He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built.

Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance.  Mark and his new neighbor had some great arguments about this as you can imagine - not great feelings.  The new neighbor had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that this same new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home.  Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.  When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found...

Great ad!


$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT   84025  

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve.   (801)867-8292

Joke of the Week

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
 
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
 
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
 
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
 
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
 
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
 
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

Nice Emails Of The Week

Hello, Shortarmguy,

I am a regular reader of your site, and I just caught last week's page, before you put this week's up, and let me tell you, it was amazing.

I am specifically speaking of the video of Dick and Rick Hoyt. I generally show little or no emotion at all, what so ever, but while watching that, I actually got tears in my eyes. I don't know what to say really. Dick is one hell of a man. Even though it is beyond the current realm of reality, I'd  like to see Rick push him, just once, to repay what his dad did for him.

Thanks Todd, for showing me the world still has humanity.

Thanks again, for helping me see it in myself.

Phil

Hi,  I think it's great when Lynn pulls up your web page at work.  When Lynn laughs it's a good day at the office.  Can you add me to your e-mail list so I can enjoy your humor at home too?  Thanks, Andrea

Hey Shortarmguy,
 
I just got back from the Georgia aquarium saturday, and if you haven't been, it's a great experience.  Well anyway, after an afternoon of taking beautiful shots of the various inhabitants of the aquarium, we came along this sign off one of the exits right outside of atlanta.  It was by far the highlight of the trip.  I'll let the picture explain itself.
 
Keep up the good work!
 
Alex

Hi  my friend ! How are you  and  your grandpa?  I hope very, very  well.

I send to you those  policeman video clip   "alla italiana"  enjoy it !

Luigi Pierotti, Caracas, Venezuela

Nice Comments on Shortarmguy's Myspace Page

Todd you are an awesome guy. I wish that I could have met you when I lived out there in Minnesota. Maybe I will see you out there next summer. I have a break coming up then. Thanks for all the support to the military. That is greatly appreciated!!!!

Twitch of the 21st. Century
 

NO thank you todd thank you for having a badd-ass site on the web I love it dude. keep it up =)

Mr. Death

October 1, 2006

First salad and now pickles.  Frogs are becoming a healthy part of my daily diet!

Only in Minnesota

The Pumpkin Keg

 

Got Milk?

Who brought the cat?

Another Fun Use For An Old Computer

Bab's Boobs

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
 

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And... Should you use some tongue?

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

New product on the market - with all the theft from airline luggage now, and motel housekeeping going thru your luggage while you are out......

This product will deter those thieves.... Just place your valuables inside and travel feeling secure.

Joke of the Week

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on

 

Nice Emails Of The Week

Keep up the good work. Your sense of humor is terrific.

 

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Crazy Email Archives

September, 2006

August, 2006

July, 2006

June, 2006

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