Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get.  I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

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November 26, 2006

Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks , Alaska

"They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up with them. They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him. to the ground. He was a huge 60 inch bull and slightly peeved !"

 Duane,   My neighbor last Friday got this bear with the combine a half mile north of  me. The combine was stuck, and the den hole was 5 feet deep. The bear was  trying to dig out from under the wheel but could not get out, the DNR told  them to shoot it. It dressed out 287 pounds, and was a male.   Garry
 
 Troy got a bear with the combine. He was combining our corn over at  Measners field and fell into a big hole. He thought it was a badger hole until a big black paw came out. Pretty soon a head appeared. They knew for sure it was no badger. He wasn't very happy either. He was 300 pounds.

 

I wasn't sure why our Bloodhound quit his job until I saw this picture.

Quote from the mom:

 "This is my kindergartener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors.   I wonder what his teacher thought. And I am so dang proud of myself.  I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started to cry from laughing so hard!

 


Fun with Forks!

Joke of the Week

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the Stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container -

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

 

November 19, 2006

John Kerry's New Military Recruitment Poster

What a fun tattoo!!

Now that's my kind of crystal ball!

Karate School

Fascinating Topic!

Awwwww.......kitty got stuck in the freezer again!  Cute.

I think I spotted him!

Cool Photo Illusions

Try This!

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

 

Joke of the Week

Pearly Gates

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a few minutes ago."

 

Nice Emails Of The Week

love your website by the way...
I like reading about your family.

Laura

Here is my twice winning costume... once at work and once at a friends house party.... 

Scared some kids for life Tuesday night... had some serious fun with it....

Mad Doc

 

November 12, 2006

This is the most impressive Deer Stand I've ever seen!

This makes me feel a lot of ways, but hungry isn't one of them.

Statue Harrassment

I'm sure this marriage will last!

Nice Emails Of The Week

Dear You:  The third one in that series, baby belly laughing?  Made ME belly laugh! Keep up the good work!  That was precious!
 
Joyce

Excerpt from a much longer email:

All I can tell you is to enjoy your life and your family.  Everyday is a gift and we each have the privilege of unwrapping that present every morning.  From your newsletter I can tell you have found that to be true.  I'm glad you are helping others to smile.  One of my favorite sayings is "I am the sum total of every decision I have ever made"  and I thank God for the life I have chosen to lead.

Shirley

November 5, 2006

Best Pumpkins of 2006

Most Tasteless Kid's Costume of 2006

Best Pet Costumes of 2006

 

Ummmmmm......Don't Pick Him Up.

Football Quote of the week

A fun way to spend Saturday with your dog.  Take him hunting and let him chase after that interesting little porcupine running up ahead. 

Spend the rest of the day with a pliers yanking quills out one by one!

Grandma didn't get any pictures of the event, but those pictures she took of her eye helped us to identify a nasty astigmatism.

Joke of the Week

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I
asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the jar open".

 

Nice Emails Of The Week

I'm sure you're done posting for the day, but please include this sweet jack-o-lantern my wife designed and I carved.

Always enjoy contributing.

Have everyone check out my myspace.  It's weak, and I only have like 14 friends (sad) so see if everyone gets the self-deprecating humor!

Thanks a ton,

 
Jeremy and Tara Overton
www.myspace.com/jeremy2overton

 

Hi Shortarmguy,
 
Really enjoy your e-mails, thanks for many chuckles that have been passed on my my delighted buddies everywhere!

All the best for you and yours.

Regards,

 
Hadit Head New Zealand.

 

 

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