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Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
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December 31, 2006
Redneck Christmas Tree
Redneck Reindeer Hitmen
Redneck Beer Opener
Why women move to Florida!!
A True Gentleman!
Joke of the Week
Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Ole outside the jewelers. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So vat have you
just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.
"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven,
"it's my Lena's
birthday tomorrow and I asked her this morning vat she vanted for her birthday
she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, yust give me something with a
lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So vat
did you get her?" Ole asks.
Sven replied, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards."
Nice Emails of the Week
I have the same thingy with my arms (I forget
the "Clinical" name). Both my arms. I have the finger turned into a thumb as
well on one hand. I read your story that outlined your life growing up.
Some of it made me laugh, some related to me & some parts made me sad
somehow. You didn't seem to have a terribly rough time with it for the most
part?, and neither did I. Mine is environmental, not genetic, and seeing
your kids pictures, I'm assuming yours is a genetic thing.
Your site is quite big. I'll have to go through it after the Christmas rush
is over & read more of it.
I will enjoy checking in with your site.
Merry Christmas!
Christa, 29, Canada
(P & C)
Just wanted to drop you an e-mail to say ....
Hi Bob,
may I contribute a poem to your site?
Life is like a mirror
Reflecting what you do
If you face it smiling
It smiles right back at you
This poem was written in my autograph book when I was about 8 years old.
It was from my foster mother who would drink till she was drunk and beat
me on a regular basis.
Very ironic, how I live by this poem
today.
Enjoyed your web page for hours,
Shelley
Hi shortarmguy,
i have attached a photo for your site.
it is of a tower that is located in my hometown of Newcastle in Australia
i think we all know what it looks like
i hope you like it (i am sorry about the lack of resolution for this
image, it was taken on my cameraphone)
Brian
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December 24, 2006
I think the pressure of the upcoming holiday is finally getting to the old man!
Eagle VS Fox
If you think you're having a bad day...
Joke of the Week
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS
THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE
BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I 'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT
THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND
WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY
PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT
SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I
SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M
SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE
HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
Message of the Week
A Christmas message . . .
For My Democratic Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for
an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to observe religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures.
For My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and may God bless you and yours in
2007.
Nice Emails of the Week
I love your web site. I go on all the time. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
December 17, 2006
Redneck Timeout
Funny Signs
Joke of the Week
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the
other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he
heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there,
floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more
sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said
kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd
rather have a talking frog."
Nice Emails of the Week
Mr. Shortarmguy,
God have given u a great sense of humor. U make people laugh, I think thats an outstanding job. May Allah help you and bestow His special blessings on you and your family, ameen.
Keep up the good work!
Kamran Ahmed
Dubai
United Arab Emirates
just wanted to say i like your site ..
good stuff
travis t
December 10, 2006
Elk Fishing
These guys were trolling with downriggers on Fort Peck and look what they caught!
Biologists figure the bull was probably shot, went into the water, and died.
Results of Clinton's 8 years in Washington!
Redneck Flat Screen TV
Why someone would do this is so beyond me!
Due to unforeseen circumstances, Christmas is canceled indefinitely!
Redneck Christmas Decorations
Joke of the Week
FART FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
December 3, 2006
I think dad's ice cream business was destined to fail from the time he picked his company name!
Matching lavender outfit: $300
New pair of French sunglasses: $200
NIKE product Endorsements: $10,000,000
Having a "special place" to hold your putter . .
PRICELESS
Frank just hasn't been the same since he lost his license!
Of course, I love the sign, Lisa. It's very sweet. You just might want to start calling me Richard.
Joke of the Week
Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the
audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap
his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time
I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Fookin stop
doing it then!"
Nice Emails of the Week
On Shortarmguy's MySpace Page:
I'm on your mailing list... I look forward to the weekly updates. I love the funny stuff and also enjoy hearing about the week of the Swank family. You guys have such a busy, exciting life! There's always something going on! :) I have twin boys like you, but mine are only 15 months old.
Thanks,
Cindi
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Crazy Email Archives
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Email me at shortarmguy@aol.com.
Copyright © 2006 by Swank! Productions --- All rights reserved
