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Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
Help Support Shortarmguy.com!!
January 28, 2007
Here comes Obama!
Let's make fish faces with one another!
Not sure why they need the bike helmets...
Why Johnny is no longer allowed to join the class in making funny faces for the camera...
Why Uncle Doug is no longer allowed to baby-sit...
Time to give it up, Ted.
Sup Dog?
Quote of the Week
"In a time of drastic change, it is the learners who inherit the future."
– Eric Hoffer, philosopher
Joke of the Week
We Minnesota Vikings fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Chicago fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious orange & black "C" on their coats. We would swerve our cars as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.
One day, while driving along, I saw a priest walking.
I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"
"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 4 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Bears fan with his "C" coat, walking down the road.
I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Chicago fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."
Nice Email of the Week
Just a note to let you know that I am now receiving your newsletter ---- again! Have a new computer and it is letting mail through. I did pull up the other on shortarmguy.com and it worked for me but I like getting your letter regularly.
January 21, 2007
This moment marks the beginning of the Bears Downfall...
Even Lovie and Urlacher have to agree...
Why Grandma shouldn't wear a thong...
Saddam's Cat
Safety First!
Air Conditioner Installation
Proper Scaffold Balancing!
Classic Aircraft Repair Effort
Why it's important not to pass out from drinking...
I'm quite sure that this factory is staying within environmental guidelines.
Ever wonder what's really under a turtle's shell?
Quote of the Week
"The road to success is always under construction."
– Lily Tomlin, actress
Joke of the Week
Nice Email of the Week
January
14, 2007
They say an all black deer is even more rare than an albino deer.
This lady also says they're really good eatin'
I still gotta get me one of these...
What really smart guys do to mess with their cell phone company
That is one scary looking kitty!
It must be fun to have the office he's looking into.
Tough Landlord
Tough Gas Station
Probably don't want to get caught building this snow creature.
This one looks like it might be a record!
I guess he should have went to "Here" first!
Quote of the Week
Some
dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up
"executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times,
including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was
wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The
low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his
gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.
Now here's the kicker: Asked why
they shot the guy 68 times,
Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel...get
this.
"That's all the bullets we had."
Joke of the Week
When Jane initially
met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions
about his life , she asked him
how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot
hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you
have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her
clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she
said, pointing to her
privates, "you must put it in here."
Jane rolled around
in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Tarzan replied,
"Check for squirrel."
Nice Emails of the Week
i love that your
doing stand up comedy to reach out to everyone about people with physical
handicaps
i think what your doing is really cool, people
with physical handicaps are no different than any one else. I've got a friend,
mike, who is in a wheelchair, i don't know why, (I think it has to do with his
spine) it never really mattered to me. I've never asked him about it because it
never bothered me. he's a funny guy and wants to be a rapper. i think he can do
it. we are in high school and people look at him and assume that just because he
cant walk without the help of a walker that he's different or with the lack of a
better word, "mentally challenged" and he's not, he learns at the same pace as
everyone else. He has an aide who helps him around but wants to do everything
for him leaving him no freedom. he's a normal teenage guy who likes girls, TV
(his favorite cartoon is south park), video games, music, and has dreams of
being somebody. He was "just born that way". Anyway I think its great that your
educating people about handicaps. please write me back! Hello, I found your site while looking up stuff on
Mark Madsen. By the way, I love the picture of him and your son - too cute! Anyway, I laughed my tush off looking at
all of your funny links. Oh my goodness - they are great. I just sent your
page to a bunch of my friends. Keep up the funny work - I just bookmarked
your site. It is great! Chris
Hi,
I love your
website and get back to it as often as I can. Unfortunately I tend to
neglect my kids once I start, and annoy my husband telling to come and
look all the time, but it's great to be able to go to a site I know I'll
get a laugh! Thanks!!!
Meg, Sydney,
Australia.
January 7, 2007
Oh my gosh!
Snorkeling in Minnesota just isn't that much fun...
For some reason, most of the guys didn't drink much at the New
Year's Party
Kitty's attempt at a new career in Doggy Dentistry just didn't
last that long.
And then Ronald just lost it...
Busted!
Cats love showers!
Bill loves boating!
How to know if you're in a bad hospital!
Joke of the Week
Mildred and Chester
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in
their seventies when they got married.
"Chester , I have acute angina." Help Support Shortarmguy.com!!
Crazy Email Archives
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf
that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I
think it's Adam's
underwear."
Hi, Todd.
I've emailed you a couple of
times over the years. I really enjoy your web site. I'm a minister and
find your humor enjoyable (we all have a dark/fun side and I resonate with
what you present). In addition to your web site, I also really enjoy your
spirit. You seem like a really good guy and I like your positive spin on
things.
To that end, I wanted to share
something with you that you might pass along should you wish to pass
along. Back in July, I encouraged our church members to eradicate
complaining, criticizing and gossiping from their lives. When you
complain, you attract more of what you don't want. If you focus on what
you want, you'll attract that into your life.
Our church is small--about 200
a Sunday. To help them get the lesson, we gave everyone a purple wrist
band/bracelet to wear. Scientists say it takes 21 days to form a new
habit so they were invited to go 21 consecutive days
without complaining, criticizing or gossiping. They were encouraged to
wear the bracelet and and, when they caught themselves complaining (we all
do it), then to switch the bracelet to their other wrist and begin again.
It's tough, but people who have made it say that it has change their lives
forever.
The Kansas City
Star wrote a story about this and it was picked up by 64
papers around the world (including Stars and Stripes!). We've
now sent out nearly 60,000 "Complaint-Free Bracelets" to every state in
the US as well as to Australia, South Africa, Germany, Ireland and Belgium
and Canada.
Tomorrow, a reporter from the
LA Times is flying in to do a story about The Complaint Free
movement for the national edition of their paper. You can check out our
web site:
www.AComplaintFreeWorld.org
to get more information.
Share this with your readers
if you'd like.
Thanks, Todd. You're great.
Love and Blessings,
Will Bowen
Tarzan removed
his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Eventually she
managed to grasp for air and screamed "What did you do that
for?"
They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those
days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both
still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night,
having waited so patiently all these years
However, Mildred was very apprehensive. As she had developed a heart condition
and would have to tell
Chester that they could not "do it."
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry. He detects a little
reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy, he sends her
off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie,
he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.
Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie.
She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling
Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close
since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity
having taken its toll over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures
she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap
and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.
Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about
her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says,
Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got ugly boobs."
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Email me at shortarmguy@aol.com.
Copyright © 2007 by Swank! Productions --- All rights reserved