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Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails

Oprah and Obama

Thank You, Jesus!

Nice Graffiti!

2 Balls,  No Strikes.

The Flexible Sisters

Thank goodness for kids!

Quick!  Drain the Lake!

I'm surprised she wants to advertise this...

Cruel Eye Test for Old Geezers

Quote of the Week

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

-- Woody Allen, director

Joke of the Week

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again. ONE, TWO, THREE, UGH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?  I couldn't even get on the bed."

 

Nice Emails of the Week

Swankster,

  I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas. I look forward to coming in on Monday mornings to view these. I donít know where you get your material but I can always count on a great laugh.

 Take care of your self bud.

Your friend,

-Paul

 

Click Here for the Shortarmguy.com Christmas Funnies Page

 

 

Best Product Placement Ever!

For those who are stressed and need a break away from the day to day hustle and bustle; how about a Korean beach holiday this summer?

Dear Criminals,

Dear Car Thieves

How To Hide A Beer Fridge....

Larry Hanson has been working out according to an anonymous co-worker.

Quote of the Week

"The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win. "

-- Roger Bannister, runner

 

Jokes of the Week

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...  You know what?"

 "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 "I think you're bad luck... get the @#$% away from me."

 

Nice Emails of the Week

Good day Shortarmed amigo!

 

For years you have made me, my colleagues and anyone one I can drag in front of my computer, laugh on days when laughter is most needed. I work in Radiology, in CAT scan and believe me, some things we see on a daily basis, need to be washed away with a good guffaw. We can always find one on your site and for this we thank you.

 

Today though, I wish to share with you a video that was forwarded to me. It is not funny, but more amazing in its insight and perspective. I present to you Canada's, if not the worlds, gutsiest individual. She is 13 years old, from Vancouver, as I can gather from the clip, and she has something that all your viewers should hear and share and seriously think of.

 

 

Thanks for being there,

 

Van

Toronto, Canada

 

Hey SAG-

 

I've been following your site for too many years to remember and always love the new pics, vids and comments you place on your site. Like most people, sometimes not everyday is awesome and when these times have hit my life, i have found myself distracted by what's going on in real life by going to your site. Thanks for the continued awesomeness and I came across this link that made me giggle at fart jokes again. If you have to the time, check it out--it is too funny to pass!

 

 

 

Tom Madrid

Holiday Greetings from Idaho!

Christmas Funnies 2007

Inhale!

I Said Inhale!

 

Quote of the Week

"It doesn't matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going."

-- Brian Tracy, Author

Jokes of the Week

The Tap
 
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving
a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

Nice Emails of the Week

Loved your update, everything looked soooooo familiar :)

glad we have the same sense of humor (WORRPED)

Ps, you and family look like you have so much fun, you are truly blessed.

miss July

Response to last week's OOPS Video...

DAMN YOU, Shortarmguy!

 
I was hoping to get another week out of this change of underwear...

 

Hey Shortarm Guy,
 
My name is Ryan.  I work in Omaha Nebraska a few miles from the Westroads Mall where the Von Maur shootings took place.  Last Friday (2 days after the shootings) curiosity got the better of me and I decided that I would drive by the mall on my way back home to Fremont.  I knew that the area had been blocked off the day after, and wasn't sure if I could get close enough.  They in fact had the area out in front of the store opened up.  It was really chilling to stand there looking at the makeshift memorials knowing that less that 48 hours ago 9 people had lost their lives so tragically.  I took a few pictures with my camera phone, but they didn't turn out so well.  A nice lady by the name of Charity, who is a local photographer was kind enough to e-mail me the pictures that she took over the course of the next few days.  Her only stipulation was that I share these pictures so people won't forget the tragedy that happened on that Wednesday, so I am doing just that.  There are several high res. pictures, so I will send them in three groups.  Take care, Happy Holidays and keep up the good work.
 
Best Regards,
Ryan Bang

The First 2008 Bumper Sticker

Why I had to stop dating my last girlfriend...she insisted I do stuff like this!

Some days, it just doesn't pay to wake up in the morning!

Ultra Cool Towel Holder

More Banned Children's Books

 

Quote of the Week

"In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend."

-- Solon, Greek politician

Jokes of the Week

RECTUM STRETCHER
 
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
 
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
 
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
 
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
 
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
 
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
 
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
 to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
 work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
 but surely stretch it , until it's about 6 feet wide."
 
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked
 
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
 
Traffic Ticket $95.00
 Court Costs $45.00
 Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
 For everything else, there's MasterCard!

 

Nice Emails of the Week

Okay, dude, you two look good elfed!!!

Mrs. T

 

I put up the tree this weekend...

Squirrel Backrubs are Divine!!

Now this girl looks happy with her job....

Glad they looked into this one!

 

Quote of the Week

"The people who get on in this world are the ones who get up and look for the circumstances they want and, if they can't find them, make them."

-- George Bernard Shaw, Playwright

Jokes of the Week

The Tap
 
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get.  I'll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn't create the items on this list, my feeling is that they're in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits!

 

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